The Naked Truth About Dr. Laura

I tell you, life just gets weirder all the time.

 Some of you may have heard about the recent flap surrounding radio shrink Dr. Laura Schlessinger, known to her adoring fans as "Dr. Laura." Seems that Dr. Laura, author of such weighty psychological studies as "You Stupid Tramp, It's All Your Fault," and "You're Not Depressed, You're Just An Idiot", is mortally embarrassed because an old boyfriend has apparently posted some nekkid pictures he took of the Doc on an Internet website. For only $24.95, you can view the charms of the worlds' most sanctimonious talk-show host.

 Folks, I'm pretty liberal about matters sexual. You want to dress in nothing but a diving helmet and chase sheep around the back yard with a feather duster, it's your own business, so long as the sheep is of legal age. But I've got to tell you, anyone who would pay $24.95 to see Dr. Laura in the state of nature needs serious help. I know she was younger when the pictures were taken. Even so, Carmen Electra she ain't, if you catch my drift.

 What is this fascination people seem to have about seeing famous people in their birthday suits? The last big flap about nude celebrities on the Internet involved former Baywatch honey Pamela Lee, or Pamela Anderson, or whatever she's calling herself this week. Seems a former employee swiped a couple of naughty home movies she had made with her husband, Tommy Lee of the band Motley Crue. I guess you really CAN'T get good help these days. Anyway, pictures from the videos were posted on the Internet and some company out in California (where else?) sold the video by mail. (No, you may not have the address. This is a family newspaper.)

 Anyway, Pam and Tommy were reportedly distraught over all this. I can't for the life of me imagine why. I mean, let's be honest: Is there a body part that Pamela Lee hasn't already exposed somewhere?

 Now, I've been a fan of Pamela since she played the bib-overall-clad Lisa of TV's "Home Improvement". Something really went out of that show when she left it. Frankly, however, I'd rather take a beating than see Tommy Lee naked. I'll pass, thank you very much.

 At least Pam doesn't come on all high and mighty like Dr. Laura. Frankly, I'm amazed that anyone ever calls the Doc. Half the time, some poor schmuck calls her and can't get the whole problem out before she's berating him for some moral failing.

 CALLER: "Dr. Laura, I have a problem with depression..."

 DR. LAURA: "Well, if you weren't having premarital sex, you'd probably feel a lot better. "

 CALLER: "What? I'm depressed because I'm blind."

 DR. LAURA: "Well, it's probably because of something you did. Stay on the line and my producer will mail you a copy of the Ten Commandments. Now, go take on the day."

 As you've probably figured, I find Dr. Laura obnoxious. But, good people, no one deserves this. In this day and age, not even the dead are immune from people's inquiry into their sex lives: "Today on the History Channel, we're going to talk about Thomas Jefferson. Drafter of the Declaration of Independence, one of the founders of America, inventor, architect, Renaissance man...but nobody cares about that. Today we're going to talk about how he had sex with one of his slaves." Granted, it's an interesting footnote to history, but does every mention of the man's legacy have to deal with this?

 It would be easy to blame Kenneth Starr and his Washington dog and pony show for all this. But it's a deeper problem than that, and it's been going on for a long time. We love to build up our celebrities, then tear them down like a mean kid with a sand castle.

As for her ownself, Dr. Laura says that she has "undergone profound changes over the course of [her] life." Well, fair enough. Sometimes wisdom comes at the price of screwing up. By application of this principle, my wisdom by now should be almost godlike. Hey, maybe I should have my own radio show. But I promise you, no naked pictures of me on the Internet. Not for a measly $24.95, anyway.

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1998 Jerry D. Rhoades, Jr.

Email: dustyrhoades@booksnbytes.com