Before we begin this week’s little sermonette, I have a correction of sorts to make. Last week I reported that 13 year old Chris Beamon, who was locked up for six days for writing a "scary" Halloween story that freaked out his principal, had gotten an "A" on the project. This ironic twist was reported by several news sources, while others say t’ain’t so. I’ve read the story in question, and I’m inclined to believe the latter. While the piece is definitely not ‘A" quality, however, I still don’t think it justified locking the little guy up. I mean, if a story that’s badly written, badly plotted, and makes absolutely no sense is a jailing offense, then the guy who wrote that "Double Jeopardy" movie better head for tall timber.

Anyway, on to this week’s topic. It seems the times they are indeed a-changin’.

Four years ago, Steve Forbes ran on a platform that seemed to consist of only two words: "flat tax.":

Q: ‘What are you going to do about health care, Steve?"

A: "With my flat tax, people will have more money for health care."

Q: "What about the Russians?"

A: "If they had a flat tax, they’d be a lot better off."

Q: "What did you have for breakfast this morning, Mr. Forbes?"

A: "Flat Tax Flakes, Bob."

And the other Republican candidates did everything but roll on the floor, laughing and pointing at Forbes. But it’s amazing what being out of the White House can do to the Republicans. Now, the flat tax is gaining new acceptance. In a recent political forum, three out of the five Republicans attending said they’d favor a flat tax. Forbes, naturally stayed the course. Gary Bauer said he wanted a 16 percent flat tax, and claimed that his was better than the other guys’. John McCain said he wanted a system so simple that a tax return could fit on a postcard.

See, I think the flat-tax guys are going about this all wrong. Sure, the tax system is complicated. But if the government wants people to do or to refrain from doing a certain thing, they can go one of two ways: laws or taxes. You want people to build houses? Give them a tax break on mortgage interest. Want to encourage people to drive less? Tax gasoline.

So we’ve got the tool, let’s use it. . As your President, I will favor a sensible tax policy, one that addresses the behaviors we really want to change. For example:

The chick tax: Women will pay a $50.00 dollar surcharge every time they address a husband, boyfriend or "significant other" with the words "we need to talk." An additional $25.00 will be assessed for each use of the word "relationship".

The buzzword tax: A tax on business based upon the number of meetings in which executives use the words "paradigm" or "proactive" or the phrase "thinking outside of the box." There would also be a severe tax penalty for anyone in business or politics who ever again used the words "threshold of a new millennium."

The overdone celebrity imitation tax: A $500.00 tax would be levied for each time someone says "Be-HAVE, Baby!" like Austin Powers, does that moronic "Beavis and Butt-Head" laugh, or yells "Smokin!" like Jim Carrey in "The Mask".

The "power" tax: TV producers will be taxed one million dollars for every time they describe an otherwise humdrum episode of a drama show as, for instance, "a powerful new ‘E.R.’ " or describe an allegedly tear-jerking sitcom episode as "very special", as in "Tonight, Topanga gets a breast reduction on a very special ‘Boy Meets World’. "

I was going to suggest a tax on every re-run of a brand new show that’s shown in the first six weeks of the fall season, but for that one, I’m holding out for public floggings of the network executives in charge of scheduling. I’m also in favor of floggings of Regis Philbin. No particular reason for that last one, the guy just irritates me.

Hollywood would also be subject to the "Love Project" tax: studios would be taxed one-half of the gross receipts for every movie or TV series that a husband and wife did together. This would, hopefully, do away with any more movies starring Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman. I mean, it’s depressing enough to know that Nicole is married to Tom Cruise without rubbing our noses in it, right, guys?

In my humble opinion any of these would be preferable to a flat tax. Of course, my major fear is that, if you could fit the tax form on a post card, it would read like the old joke:

How much money did you make?

Send it to us.

Dusty Rhoades is a Southern Pines lawyer, who’s been thinking outside the box for so long, he forgot where the box is.

© 1999 by Jerry D. Rhoades, Jr.