THE NEW WORKPLACE PLAGUE

Recently, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) set out a series of new rules regarding so-called "repetitive motion injuries" or RMI's. The rules mandate changes in workplace policies or facilities if workers suffer repetitive motion injuries, such as carpal tunnel syndrome or back injuries.

Predictably, the business community has reacted with howls of anguish and predictions of economic ruin that make the Y2K scare look like an episode of "Leave it to Beaver." OSHA, for its part, has been patting Big Bidness on the hand and going "there, there, it'll only cost four or five billion dollars." Big Bidness, for some reason, is not comforted by this.

As usual, OSHA is missing the boat. I'm sure that there is a large problem with RMI's. But they're ignoring an even more prevalent class of injury, one that affects every American worker: IDD injuries, which are caused by Incessantly Dealing with Dingbats.

IDD injuries can turn an otherwise happy, productive worker into a drooling imbecile, unable to communicate coherently or make a rational decision. Some victims of IDD never work again, but a significant number end up in middle management.

Restaurant workers are particularly prone to IDD injuries, due in large part to the increasingly popular policy of forcing all servers (No one says "waiter" or "waitress" any more) to introduce themselves in the most gratingly perky way imaginable: "Hi, I'm Toby, and I'll be your server today." IDD injuries occur from the server grinding his or her teeth when the customer responds "Hi, I'm Bill and I'll be your customer today, hahaha," as if this were the funniest and most original thing ever said, instead of something the server has heard 1500 times in the past two weeks.

The fast-food industry is a hotbed of IDD risks. A McDonald's manager in Ottumwa, Iowa, experienced a nervous breakdown when an irate customer held up the lunch line for thirty minutes arguing that "one coupon per customer visit" meant that she could use three coupons: one for herself and one each for her husband and child, who were back home at the time. (Note: If you don’t understand why you can’t do this, you yourself may be a leading cause of IDD. Shoot yourself now before you ruin any more lives.)

Retail workers are particularly at risk for IDD injuries. A Wal-Mart cashier in El Paso had to be sedated after a customer in a particularly long line on the day after Thanksgiving waited until he was all the way at the front of the line before even taking out his checkbook, as if he was surprised at having to pay. The cashier collapsed weeping when the man then proceeded to write a check verrrrrry sloooowly for a copy of the "Weekly World News" and a pack of gum.

In the office environment, IDD is often a direct result of dingbats interacting with modern technologies. An office manager in Palos Verdes, California snapped and held several co-workers hostage with a shotgun after she received a fax from the home office (a well-known nest of dingbats) inquiring why costs for fax paper were so high and demanding that all office managers reply immediately-- by fax, of course. Another office worker in Laramie, Wyoming had to be treated for dehydration after she got stuck for 27 hours in a voice-mail system while trying to leave a message for someone to come and repair the voice-mail system.

IDD in the office can occur from many sources, even co-workers. An office worker in Hagerstown, Maryland was hospitalized with severe cranial injuries after she repeatedly slammed her own head into the desk of her cubicle. Investigation revealed that the worker in the adjoining cubicle had kept her radio tuned to one of those soft-rock stations and had been incessantly singing along (off-key) with that ghastly Celine Dion song from "Titanic". Fortunately, the injured worker survived with only minor brain damage and is now a key foreign policy adviser for the Pat Buchanan campaign , where she heads up Buchanan's "Nuke the French" initiative. When informed that Celine Dion is actually Canadian, the woman responded "Them too! Heheheheheheheee!"

Now you may say that this evidence of widespread IDD injuries is merely anecdotal. To this I reply "well, DUH." As the Presidential Candidate of the working man (and woman), I call upon OSHA to enact regulations that will help the American worker from IDD injuries.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go clean my shotgun.

COPYRIGHT 1999 BY JERRY D. RHOADES, JR.,