Well, another holiday season is here, and with it comes the glut of holiday specials. Everyone has their favorites, of course. But let’s face it. Some of these Christmas Specials are twenty and thirty years old. As we stand on the threshold of a new millennium, the audience cries out for fresh material. There were several holiday specials in the planning stages which never got off the ground, such as:

"Who Wants Christmas with Regis Philbin?" Unfortunately, this scheduled program was shelved after an ugly incident in which Regis reduced children to tears by responding to their gift requests, shouting "Is that your FINAL ANSWER!?"

"A WWF Christmas": Mean Gene Okerlund was slated to host this heartwarming retelling of the Nativity story, featuring professional wrestlers in all the major roles. After a six-month casting search, however, this special had to be cancelled because the WWF couldn't come up with three wise men and a virgin. An attempt to revive the concept using Minnesota governor Jesse Ventura tanked when Ventura was quoted as telling a St. Paul kindergarten class that Santa Claus was "a crutch for weak-minded people."

"Feliz Navidad From Texas With George W. Bush": This one fell apart in rehearsals when Santa asked the Republican Presidential front-runner if he'd been a good little boy and Dubbya responded "I'm not falling into that trap."

However, several new specials ARE slated to make it to your TV screen this year, including:

"Al Gore Is Coming to Town": The Vice President explains how, as a junior Senator from Tennessee, he single-handedly invented Christmas. Special appearances by former Cabinet Members Robert Reich and Donna Shalala as Santa's elves.

"A Charlie Brown Christmas '99": The beloved yet chronically depressed character finally scores some Prozac and gets his act together in this live-action update to the classic cartoon. The Christmas pageant seems on the verge of falling apart as the newly energized and assertive Charlie Brown (Drew Carey) sues Lucy (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) for battery and psychiatric malpractice. Just as things are about to dissolve into an orgy of recrimination, bitterness, and litigation, Linus (Neil Patrick Harris) saves the day by going online and ordering a perfect Christmas tree from E-Tannenbaum.com. Also starring Jim Carrey as Snoopy, Whoopi Goldberg as Peppermint Patty, and Johnnie Cochran as Charlie Brown's lawyer. Sponsored by Lilly Pharmaceuticals, Inc.

"It's Christmas! I'm Fat!": Camryn Manheim, one of the stars of ABC's "The Practice" (and author of the bestselling "Wake Up! I'm Fat!" ) hosts this special, which is described as "A Christmas Affirmation for Big, Beautiful People".

"An X-Files Christmas": FBI agents Mulder (David Duchovny) and Scully (Gillian Anderson) travel to a small mountain town to investigate the theft of every Christmas tree and present, supposedly at the hands of a green monster (Kelsey Grammer) who can slither down chimneys. Special appearance by teen pop star Britney Spears as Cindy Lou Who.

"The Barbara Walters Christmas Interview Special": Barbara scores a major journalistic coup by obtaining the first-ever interview with Barbie's mother, Ms. Serena Matell of Coral Gables, Florida. Matell speaks out for the first time about Barbie and her other progeny: Skipper, Krissy, Stacie, and new little sister Kelly. Matell, who has been living in seclusion since the mysterious disappearance of Barbie's twin sister and brother in the early 60's, finally reveals the truth behind Barbie's battles with anorexia, the whole Barbie/Ken/Midge love triangle, and her own slide into bankruptcy due to the children's insatiable need for new clothes. In one particularly wrenching scene, Matell breaks down and sobs "Those <expletive deleted> parasites ruined my life," before passing out face-down in a bowl of eggnog.

"Bill Gates’ Christmas at Microsoft": Due to recent court decisions, this special will not follow the traditional one-hour format. It will instead be broken up into fifteen- minute sections which will be shown at random times throughout the day. However, to preserve the Microsoft "look and feel", the TV screen will still go blank at random intervals and force viewers to turn their sets off, then on again to continue watching from the beginning of the program.

"A Very Ahnuld Christmas": In this spin-off of his movie "End of Days", Arnold Schwarzenegger goes to the North Pole to battle Satan for the soul of Santa Claus. The climax occurs when Arnold draws down on the Prince of Darkness and intones "Ave Maria, Baby!"

So light the fire, pour a glass of Christmas cheer and join me in front of the TV. I'll even let you carve the Roast Beast.