HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE

Stressed out from the mall crowds? Stuck once again for that perfect Christmas gift? Well, your Humble Columnist, as always, is here to pull your roasting chestnuts out of the Christmas fire. Here, once again, is our annual Holiday Gift Guide:

The John McCain holiday food assortment: No matter what the other Republicans may say, it’s NOT a fruitcake. Do you hear me!? IT’S NOT A FRUITCAKE!

"Clue 2: Zero Tolerance": Sequel to the classic board game in which the players are school officials trying to ferret out the dangerous student. Is it Sally Scarlet in the classroom with the dark clothing, Barry Black in the bleachers with a fistfight, or Gary Green in the computer lab with the disturbing Web site? Heck, why not expel ‘em all? Ritalin sold separately. Warning: manufacturer is not responsible for legal fees incurred as a result of action taken by Jesse Jackson or the American Civil Liberties Union.

Al Gore’s "Alpha": the cologne for that guy in your life whose poll numbers could use a boost, if you know what I mean. Guaranteed to turn any guy into the leader of the pack. Comes in three strengths: regular, extra-macho, and "Arrh! Fetch Me Another Intern!"

"Monopoly ’99": Microsoft’s update of the classic board game. In this one, one player already starts with all the money, all the property, and most of the pieces. Good luck!

Macho Teletubbies: In response to Jerry Falwell’s allegations that Tinky Winky was turning into a gay icon, this year’s model comes with a six-pack of Bud, a huntin’ rifle, and a bass boat. Restraining order not included.

My Very First Telephone: Unfortunately, this toy for toddlers had to be pulled off the market because it rang every 15 minutes with calls asking if the tots were happy with their long-distance service.

Whack-a-Pokemon: A game marketed for adults who are fed up with the glut of crude animation, shrill, whiny voice-overs, and nauseatingly cute little creatures that make up the Pokemon universe. Comes in either 9MM or .38 caliber versions. Gotta waste ‘em all!

The Mars Polar Orbiter Action Play Set: You thought Furbys were hard to find? Try locating one of these! NASA’s new toy division was hoping that this toy would make up for some of the embarrassment it suffered over the "Mars Climate Orbiter" flying toy, which had to be recalled after it repeatedly crashed into the children’s heads.

My First HMO: This toy doctor kit contains a stethoscope, toy syringe, sugar pills, and a pint-sized toy MRI machine. Unfortunately the kids are not allowed to play with any of it without prior approval from the toy company, and good luck getting THAT.

The Jesse Ventura Action figure: Wind it up and it simultaneously shoots its mouth off and shoots itself in the foot. Crutch sold separately.

The George W. Bush talking doll: Pull its string and it says whatever you want it to, but you have to give it $50,000 first.

The NEA Young Artist Sets: Outrage your whole neighborhood with these toys, sponsored by the National Endowment for the Arts! Different sets include: Paint-by-Number Virgin Mary portraits (with real elephant dung!) , dissected animals in formaldehyde (not responsible for injury to household pets!), and photographs of crucifixes in unlikely places (urine not included).

The Lil’ Survivalist Y2K play set: Let’s face it. Most kids aren’t that far away from descending into barbarism to begin with. So, for the budding Y2Kook in your house, this set comes with toy canned food, bottled water, and a fully stocked first-aid kit. And just in case those neighbor kids try to get their grubby little mitts on it, there’s a year’s supply of ammo.

So fire up the minivan, whip out those charge cards and experience the joys of giving. With any luck, MasterCard’s computers will crash before the bills come due in January.

Dusty Rhoades is a Southern Pines Lawyer, who’s doing all his shopping on the Internet this year, which means that most of you are getting pornography.

TO THE COLUMN ARCHIVE, BATMAN!

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