January: Doomsayers who had predicted the imminent collapse of civilization due to the Y2K bug are stunned when the bug actually causes North Carolina’s computerized child support system to function correctly for the first time. "It blinked once, then started spewing out checks like it was supposed to," one baffled computer technician reports. ‘We have no idea why."

February: John McCain, who has been quoted as comparing his South Carolina strategy to the invasion of Normandy, worries that state’s voters by appearing off the coast of Myrtle Beach at the head of a flotilla of landing craft and storming ashore dressed like Tom Hanks in "Saving Private Ryan." "We thought at first it was just a publicity stunt," a veteran campaign reporter says, "but when he started referring to me as ‘Major’, we realized that he’d finally snapped." An ugly crisis is averted by the arrival of former "Hogan’s Heroes" star Werner Klemperer who dresses in his Colonel Klink uniform and "surrenders" to McCain, who is then led away to a waiting ambulance.

March: Presidential candidate George W. Bush suffers a setback in the polls when he mistakenly identifies Chechnya as a type of virus that causes sinus infections. Matters only become worse when he attempts to clarify by stating that he really meant to say that Chechnya was a kind of puff pastry.

April: Judge Thomas Penfield Jackson finally announces his decision in the Microsoft anti-trust case. Bill Gates is sentenced to type "I will not engage in predatory marketing practices" five thousand times on a 486 PC trying to run Windows 98. If the computer crashes, he has to start over again. Microsoft lawyers announce an immediate appeal to both the U.S. Supreme Court and the World Court. The appeal is based on not only the Eighth Amendment and the Geneva Convention, but also advances a revolutionary legal theory, known as the "What kind of a name is ‘Penfield’ anyway?" defense.

May: Scientists announce a breakthrough in genetic engineering when they create a half-man, half-chicken. The mutant, who scientists name Buck Becaw, immediately announces that it is running for President under the Reform Party banner. "Hey, it’s no more grotesque than Trump," Reform Party leader Ross Perot shrugs. "Besides, it can raise its own campaign funds by selling the eggs."

June: Ford announces the largest SUV yet: The Ford Humoungus. This behemoth includes cellular phone service between the front and back seats, a heated pool, and a full-sized bowling alley. Children, however, continue to complain that their siblings are taking up too much room in the back seat.

July: Following the lead of groups seeking reparations for past injustices, a group of Scottish patriots sues Great Britain for damages stemming from the English invasion of Scotland in the 12^th century. "Och, mair a wee guidie fuir sennachie," says one Scottish spokesman, to the confusion of all. British officials claim not to be worried, saying they’ll get it all back from the French when they sue over the Norman invasion.

August: Pat Buchanan attempts to revive his sagging Presidential campaign by invading Poland. The bemused Poles offer him a sausage and some potato pancakes.

September: Officials at NASA’s Jet Propulsion laboratory announce that they have finally found the missing Mars Polar Lander, which is located still in its packing case in a storage warehouse in Cocoa Beach, Florida. "It seems that we, uh, forgot to put it on the rocket," a red-faced NASA scientist explains. The official refuses to confirm or deny reports that NASA’s slogan is going to be changed from "Better, Faster, Cheaper" to "Y’all act like you got some damn sense."

October: After obtaining Congressionally granted immunity from lawsuits arising out of the Y2k problem, a group of corporate CEO’s petitions Congress for immunity from lawsuits arising out of the CEO’s deliberately running over people with their cars. "For too long, American business has been hobbled by anti-competitive traffic laws that serve only to enrich greedy Plaintiff’s lawyers," one CEO is quoted as saying as he plows into a line of schoolchildren at a bus stop.

November: Pilot columnist Dusty Rhoades is elected president by a landslide. The U.S. suffers a record cold snap as Hell freezes over.

December: Actor Adam Sandler releases a movie that consists entirely of Sandler mugging into a mirror and making pooting noises with his armpits. The movie immediately breaks box-office records.

So hang on tight, folks. It’s gonna be another real weird ride.

© 1999 BY JERRY D. RHOADES, JR.