Americans beware! You freedoms are under attack yet again. It will soon be illegal in South Carolina to sell your own urine.

Yes, that's right, you heard right. It seems a fellow in Marietta, South Carolina named Kenneth Curtis has been creating "drug test substitution kits," which consist of a tiny IV bag, a length of plastic tubing, and approximately five ounces of Curtis' guaranteed drug-free urine. It will be left to the reader to imagine how such a device might be utilized. Other than as a prop for a particularly vile fraternity prank, that is.

Ah, the never-ending ingenuity of the American businessman. Ol' Ken, a true marketing whiz, has been selling his contraptions--where else?--over the Internet. The kits cost a whopping 69 bucks. And they say LAWYERS charge too much. Jeez, I've wasted a small fortune.

Despite the high mark-up, however, it appears that the expected showers of gold have failed to materialize. According to a story in the Charlotte Observer, Ken still lives in a trailer out in the woods with his wife and father. Yes, girls, he's married. Sorry to break your hearts like that. I just want to know how he got past the part where his future father-in-law first asked him "so what do you do for a living, son?"

Of course, the powers that be are mightily...um...ticked off over Ken's plan. The South Carolina Legislature has approved, and Governor Jim Hodges is expected to sign, a bill making it illegal to sell urine for the purpose of evading a drug test. There is no mention of any penalty for selling it for other purposes.

Ken, of course, sees this as a freedom issue. Being the patriot that he is, he's not going to just let this outrage pass. "I'm worried about the Constitution and the direction this country is taking, " he says. You and me both, hombre. I mean, what IS this country coming to when a citizen no longer has control over his own urine?

Our hero attempted to testify at a State Senate hearing, and when he was barred from speaking, gagged himself with an American flag and stood in the hall outside the hearing room. Count your blessings, Senators. It could have been a LOT worse. Ken's also appeared in numerous newspaper articles and television shows vowing that despite the law, he's going to continue to peddle his piddle despite the risk of jail.

This law, you see, has some real teeth to it. There's a maximum of three years in jail and a $5,000 dollar fine for a first offense, ten years and $10,000 dollars for a second one. I'm just trying to imagine someone accosting Ken in the prison exercise yard: "What are you in for, man?" "I sold my urine to an undercover cop. " The bad boys would leave you alone after that, you betcha.

This is assuming, of course, that you could get a conviction. For one thing, it would probably be hard to make the arrest. "Go in there and secure the evidence!" "Heck no, YOU do it!" "Not me, Jack! I did it LAST time!" Then of course, there'd be the problem of finding a jury who could sit through a whole trial without giggling.

When I first heard about this, I laughed so hard at first that I almost...never mind. But then I got more than a wee bit angry. I ask you, my fellow Americans, should we accept this violation of our freedoms or just shake it off? Will we let all our rights be flushed away? I say NO! We're drawing the line right here, and not just a line in the snow either! Somebody call Charlton Heston! We're taking our crusade to the streets!

I'll bring the beer.

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©1999 Jerry D. Rhoades, Jr.