IT PROBABLY READS BETTER IN THE ORIGINAL GERMAN.

You gotta love Pat Buchanan.

Just as Dan Quayle exits the race, taking with him what seemed like our last, best hope for side-splitting Republican faux pas, Pat releases a book called "A Republic, Not an Empire". And what a book! In this weighty tome, Pat, apparently with a straight face, claims that , during World War 2, Hitler was no longer a threat to the U.S. after the Brits stopped him cold in the skies over London. I guess Buchanan feels we should just have stopped provoking poor old Hitler, since he had shelved whatever plans he might have had for landing the Wermacht in Miami Beach. Buchanan apparently forgets the fact that it was Germany who declared was on US a few days after Pearl Harbor.

Meanwhile, Buchanan stirs up even more brouhaha by announcing that he's threatening to quit the Republican Party and run as a Reform candidate. The only way the GOP can forestall this terrible fate, he warns, is to give him the Presidential nomination. "Do what I want or I'll blow myself up!" Pat seems to be saying. Oh, please, Brer Pat, don't throw yourself in de briar patch.

The GOP is in a real dilemma with Buchanan around and they're predictably divided on what to do with their best-known crank. John McCain says, in effect, let him go. Dubbya Bush says, "Stay, we need your input, (and, incidentally, we want to make darned sure you're never a real nominee that can drain that small but vital right-wing loon vote away from the party)." As far as Dubbya's concerned, Buchanan is like the Republican Party's deranged aunt. They'd rather keep him locked in the attic, where only they have to listen to his ravings, than have him roaming the streets accosting strangers and babbling to them about Zulus settling in Virginia.

The Reform Party, on the other hand, is treating Buchanan like a brightly-wrapped ticking package on the doorstep. Tim Penny, a former Democrat considering a run for the Senate as a Reform Party candidate, says the Reform Party will move to the "margins of politics" if it embraces Buchanan. Tim, ol' buddy, I hate to tell you, but a party whose founding father is Ross Perot has not exactly laid claim to the mainstream. But after Jesse Ventura's gubernatorial win in Minnesota, every maverick and disaffected fringe member of every party seems to see the Reform Party as the place where they can pull a Ventura and win despite being a crackpot.

The difference is that Jesse Ventura, at least, is fun. I mean, can you imagine Pat Buchanan dressing up in a feather boa, as Jesse did in his wrestling days? And if you can, would you please sit on the other side of the room from me? Thank you. Pat lacks Ventura's engagingly cocky charisma and pedal-to-the-metal approach. Buchanan always looks like he's undergoing a lower GI exam, even when he's happy.

Of course, if Buchanan does run, either as a Reformer or as an independent, he'll draw a certain number of people, and not just the nut vote. Buchanan's primary attraction, like Bill Bradley's among the Democrats, is that he's not the front-runner. The working-class Republicans who feel like their own party doesn't care about them anymore are powerfully drawn to Buchanan, who provides handy scapegoats for the problems that working people still face, even in the current strong economy. "It's those dang furriners," says Buchanan, and if we just crawl back within our borders and disengage from the world, everything will be fine.

May I respectfully suggest, however, that those disaffected Republicans take a closer look at John McCain. McCain, after surviving having both arms and a knee broken, being bayoneted, and then having the snot beaten out of him for five and a half years by the Viet Cong, now thinks he's man enough to face the political press corps. Personally, I find this bravado a bit na‹ve, but never mind.

Now, I don't agree with everything McCain says. In addition, he stepped in deep schnitzel during the whole Keating Five scandal, and the odor of that may still cling to him. But he's bucked the leaders of the party to support real campaign finance reform, which is one of the most vital issues facing the political system today. He's shown some refreshing flashes of bipartisanship and some realism on defense and foreign policy issues. If you can't stomach Dubbya, take a look at McCain. You might like what you see.

© 1999 by Jerry D. Rhoades, Jr.