Well, we seem to be lurching headlong into another election season. Besides the regular candidates, such as Al "Wild Man" Gore, Lamar "Yes, It's My Real Name" Alexander, and George "No, I'm the Other One" Bush, every comedian and every person who tries to be funny in print is doing a mandatory bit about their own aspirations for the office. Dave Barry did his a couple of weeks ago. "Saturday Night Live" alumnus Al Franken has even written a book about it. So, of course, I need to throw my hat, or whatever, into the ring. While I may not be the funniest humorist to announce his candidacy, I can assure you that I am the lowest-paid.
From the recent scandals in Washington, it's apparent that America demands more than a President who comes in and just does his job. America demands that a President have the same ideals in his private life that he does in his public policy. My fellow Americans, I can be that President. To show my concern for the environment, I personally promise not to dump any toxic chemicals into our water. I may not stop anyone else from doing it, but it's what goes on in private that matters, right? Furthermore, to show my support for tobacco farmers, I promise not to do anything with cigars other than smoke them.
But, you say, what about personal issues? What about moral leadership? Will President Rhoades exercise high moral standards in the White House? Y'all are so cute when you're naive. Let's just say I'll learn from the mistakes of the past.
For instance, one of the reasons people say they're upset at Bill Clinton is because he had sex with a lowly intern. Supposedly, there was an imbalance of power there that made even a consensual relationship "abusive," in the words of one conservative commentator. Therefore, I promise not to have sex with anybody below the rank of Secretary of Defense. Well, okay, maybe Secretary of Agriculture. Ambassadors and other foreign officials would be handled (so to speak) on a case-by-case basis.
Another thing that people seemed so upset about is the fact that Clinton had his affairs in the White House itself. "That's OUR house!" the shriller ones repeat. "He was having sex in OUR house!" I wonder if they'd like to test this theory of ownership by going to the White House and asking Hillary to make them a a grilled cheese sandwich. Anyway, I will promise not to do anything naughty in the White House. If we can't go to her place, I'll spring for a room at the Motel 6. I'll even pay for the Secret Service detail, but they have to bring their own booze. Now, I'll be honest, I will reserve the right to at least one tryst on Air Force One, because hey, that would be kind of cool. But never the helicopter. Those things make me nervous.
Many folks say Bill Clinton's troubles aren't about sex, they're about perjury. They say they don't care about what Bill Clinton has done in his private life, it's that he lied about it. Good friends, I promise to NEVER lie about it. In fact, I will save the public millions of dollars on independent counsel costs, because my weekly radio address on Saturdays will be devoted to a recitation about whatever I was up to Friday night. Instead of beginning the speech with "My fellow Americans," I will begin with "Hey, y'all, check THIS out!" You think you're sick of hearing about details now....
I'm also considering various campaign slogans. You need something that sums up your message, but something that can fit on a bumpersticker. I've been considering a few, like "Rhoades: I Bet He Could Drink Yeltsin Under the Table." Or, "Rhoades: You're Damn Right He Inhaled." But the one that seems to sum it up best is: "Rhoades: You Could Do Worse. You Already Have."
Of course, there's still a whole lot of work to do. For one thing, if my wife ever reads this column, I'm going to need to start interviewing applicants for the job of First Lady.
© 1999 Jerry D. Rhoades, Jr.