Bill Clinton engages in hanky-panky in the White House with an intern. The chairman of the House Judiciary Committee is shown to have engaged in his own extramarital carryings-on, which he describes as "youthful indiscretions" (he was in his 40's at the time). The Speaker of the House has to fall on his sword due to what some sources describe as "several" affairs. Every day, we hear more and more about the bedroom habits of every President and politician in American history (except Nixon, and that's because no one can stand to even think about it). Republicans do it, Democrats do it, and we're pretty sure the Libertarians do it, although we're not sure why.
You say you're tired of the constant sex scandals, which seem to plague
everybody from the President on down? You say you've had enough of sexual
immorality among the people who were supposed to be moral leaders and paragons
of virtue?
Me, too. So I have an idea, a solution that stood the test of time in some of the world's oldest and most civilized cultures. We need to revive the political power of a class of people long thought extinct.
We need to bring back the eunuch.
Think about it. In China and parts of the Middle East, eunuchs were often the most powerful men in the kingdom. They were thought to be immune from wordly temptations such as sex and could devote themselves entirely to the machinery of government. They served as trusted advisors, keepers of the royal treasury, even bodyguards.
Alas, in the modern age, we have forgotten the usefulness of the eunuch and allowed this simple but effective solution to fall by the wayside. China's last court eunuch, Sun Yaoting, died in 1996 at the age of 94. Sun's father castrated him at age 8 to allow him to enter the elite ranks of China's court eunuchs. (Gee, thanks, Pop. Gotta wonder what Father's Day was like around the Sun household. ) Unfortunately, a month later, the monarchy fell and China became a republic. Boy, talk about your rotten timing! Brothers and sisters, let us now observe a moment of silence for the world's unluckiest man.
You think you'll have trouble getting people to run if we make being gelded a requirement for public office? Heck, look at what they go through now. Having total strangers sift through every facet of their private lives and their pasts, being subjected to impertinent and embarassing questions about things they may have done twenty years ago, having their very tax returns snooped over by the press...we've made it so onerous to run for or hold elective office that the only people who will run have to have something seriously wrong with their heads in the first place to be willing to put up with it. To get elected, politicians will willingly give up their privacy, their family life, any semblance of normality. After that, you think losing their courting tackle is going to be a factor?
Now, like everything else, this whole eunuch thing has its downside. Intrigue and plotting among the royal eunuchs was among the factors that historians say contributed to the downfall of the Chinese monarchy, not to mention the Ottoman Empire. The devious little capons, having been deprived of the usual extracurricular activities, tended to turn all their energy towards scheming and backstabbing, sometimes literally. And the most famous American eunuchs of recent memory were, of course, certain members of the Heaven's Gate cult, who first castrated themselves for "purification" purposes, then went the final step and committed mass suicide. But hey, at least they weren't messing around on their wives.
Now, as an alternative, we could stop concentrating so much on what people do in their off hours and judge politicians of all flavors on the job they do. That, of course would make too much sense. We, as a country, would never go for it.
So get on the bandwagon. Write your congressperson. Tell them if they're REALLY devoted to the idea of morality in government, they need to put more than just their reputations on the line.
I'll take care of contacting Hillary Clinton. I'm reasonably sure I can get her endorsement on this.
© 1999 Jerry D. Rhoades, Jr.