LIGHTEN UP!

 It's been a depressing few weeks. War in Yugoslavia, school shootings in Colorado, killer tornadoes in the Midwest, Nail bombs in England . . . the list goes on and on.

 Now, these topics are undeniably serious. But thinking about them constantly is a quick ticket to a rubber room. Even your Humble Columnist, usually so full of joie de vivre, savoir faire, and je ne sais quoi, finds himself getting increasingly cranky, as well as referring to himself in the third person, which is never a good sign. So, in this week's column, we salute good times and the folks who pursue them, despite the obstacles in their way.

 Fly the Friendly Skies Dept.: A 23-year-old British Airways flight attendant aboard the flight from London to Genoa lost a bet with the pilot that he couldn't land ahead of schedule. When he brought the aircraft in a half-hour early, the saucy stewardess stripped to her underwear and ran around the plane wearing the captain's hat and a yellow flight vest. The passengers had already disembarked, but the stunt was witnessed by baggage handlers and other crew. Afterward, the foxy flight attendant, with typical British aplomb, stepped back into uniform to greet passengers traveling on the return flight to London's Gatwick airport. ``She has apologized for the prank and we are treating the whole incident with a great deal of leniency,'' said a British Airways spokesman. The head of the Airline Passengers Association, a consumer group, said "Guess we won't be in such a hurry to get off the plane next time."

 Did You Hear the One About Dept.: Subscribers to the Federal Communications Commission's e-mail news bulletin, the Daily Digest, got an extra piece of mail last week. Instead of the daily log of commission actions and filings, subscribers received a sexually explicit joke about nuns. The sender quickly sent out an apology, followed by an e-mail from Joy Howell, director of the agency's office of public affairs. Howell stated that "While accidental, the transmission was completely inappropriate and inexcusable. Appropriate disciplinary action is being taken. In the meantime, we offer our profuse apologies to our Daily Digest subscribers." The actual joke was not disclosed. House Republicans expressed outrage over the error and called for Janet Reno's resignation.

 Did You Hear the One About Dept, Part II: Former pro wrestler and current Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura foolishly tried to raise a laugh on the David Letterman show by suggesting that persons of Irish extraction were not always sober. He described the layout of his city this way: "Whoever designed St. Paul must have been drunk. I think it was those Irish guys." Ventura later apologized to Irish groups by saying that he wasn't aware that any Irish people lived in Minnesota. He went on to say that he really meant to say "it must have been those Polish guys."

 I Don't Care, I'm Still Not Gonna Eat the Brussels Sprouts Dept.: A judge in Belfast, Northern Ireland, rejected plans for a proposed restaurant called School Dinners that would feature meals served by young women in short skirts wielding whips against patrons who did not clean their plates. Though opponents called the restaurant immoral, the judge said merely that the mock spankings would constitute "entertainment," which is forbidden by the lease. Said one disappointed supporter, "We have had 25 years of oppression. Now is the time for the fun to come flooding back." Hear, hear.

 I Told You Smoking Was Bad For You Dept: Three janitors at an elementary school in Ceres, California, apparently had a bit too much time on their hands one day. They grabbed a passing gopher and tried to freeze it to death by spraying it with a solvent that freezes gum and wax so it can be peeled or chipped away. They had used up several cans of the gum remover on the gopher when one of them decided to take a little cigarette break. Unfortunately, because they were having their fun inside a small, poorly ventilated utility room with the doors closed, the cigarette ignited the fumes from the solvent. The resulting explosion blew up the utility room and sent the janitors and 16 pupils to the hospital. The plucky gopher survived and was later released. Ceres Unified School District Superintendent Bruce Newlin commented that the men "used extraordinarily poor judgment." The gopher is reportedly filing a three million dollar lawsuit against the school system, the manufacturer of the solvent, and the tobacco industry.

 So lighten up. Live a little. And always remember the words of columnist Molly Ivins, who once wrote: "Any group of folks willing to make asses of themselves in pursuit of a good time needs to be commended and encouraged. The spirit of human frolic needs all the help it can get."