THE FALL-BACK PLAN

Folks keep coming up to me and asking how the fund-raising is going for my Presidential campaign. The answer, I'm sad to say, is "not too good." However, like my ol' buddy Dan Quayle, I keep plodding along, trying to get my message out, and reminding people of the story of the Tortoise and the Hare until they get sick of hearing about it and start hitting me with sticks.

However, being an intermittent realist, I've decided that I need a fall-back plan. And, as I often do, I've turned for inspiration to Hillary Clinton. Hillary, with her bold bid for the Senate seat from New York, has led the way in showing us that you don't actually have to live in a place to aspire to elected office from that place. I have therefore decided that, if the Presidential gig fails to pan out, I want to be the Senator from Guam.

Why Guam, you say? To which I answer "Why not?" It's an island and I'm pretty sure it's somewhere in the Pacific Ocean. I've seen pictures, and it looks real pretty. It's got palm trees and everything. And while I can't say there were actually any pictures of girls in flimsy grass skirts, I'm sure they're there.

What really settled me on the idea of Guam is, it's fun to say. Try it. Guam. GuamGuamGuam. You can't help but smile when you're doing that.

Now, there is one thing standing in the way of my ambition, namely the fact that there is no Senate seat from Guam. They do send a non-voting delegate to the House of Representatives, but there's no Senate representation so far. But, again, I have a plan. The District of Columbia and some territories have sent what they call "shadow senators" to go to the Senate and lobby for statehood. Jesse Jackson has tried to lay claim to the job of Shadow Senator from D.C., and I'm at least as qualified as he is to apply for a job that doesn't actually exist. You've got to admit, Shadow Senator sounds like pretty much a dream job for me. I mean, do I know what evil lurks in the hearts of men or what? I'll bet there's even a secret decoder ring and everything.

Now, I'll admit that becoming the shadow Senator from Guam is going to entail some homework. There's a lot I'm going to have to learn. First off, what do you call the inhabitants of Guam, anyway? Guamians? Guamos? Guambats?

 Thanks to the Internet, however, I am able, with just a few keystrokes, to fill my head with useless information about darn near anything, and the great island of Guam is no exception.

For instance, I'll bet you didn't know that the Marianas Trench, the deepest known ocean depth (-39,198 ft.), is located southeast of Guam. So, if I need to get rid of anything, such as bank records, inconvenient mistresses, or Sam Donaldson.well let's just say I'll give such matters the deepest possible consideration, if you know what I mean.

The official Guam website tells us that the economy of Guam depends on US federal and military spending and on revenues from tourism. Well, hey, I should be used to that, since I grew up in Moore County. If it weren't for military spending and tourism, we'd be, well, Newton Grove or someplace like that. So it's, like, an almost perfect match.

So what would I do for Guam? Well, for one thing, I'll work to correct some of the shocking injustices that have been done to that tiny but dynamic little U.S. Territory. For instance, did you know that "Playboy" has never done a "Girls of Guam" pictorial? I know, I'm as shocked as you are. And when I take charge, by gum, that's going to change, even if I have to handpick the applicants personally.

And I was a shocked as you will probably be to learn that Guam has never been considered for an NFL expansion team. Never. Now, is this fair? The best part of having an NFL team for Guam would be that opponents who flew there for home games would be so jet-lagged that they'd be total pushovers.

So, anyway, that's the back up plan. You can pick which one you want to contribute to: send contributions to either "Send Dusty to the White House" or "Send Dusty to the South Seas," care of this newspaper. And as they say on Guam, "Si Yu'us Ma'ase for your support. "