THE SWEET SMELL OF MONEY

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Hang on to your wallets, folks, the candidates are roaming free and they need money.

It was reported last week in the New York Times that the Republican party has created a new elite donor category called `Team 1 Million," open only to donors who have given a cool million or more to the GOP over a four-year period.

Wait just a minute here. Is this the same Republican Party that raised such a ruckus about big Democratic donors receiving invitations to White House coffees and overnight stays in the Lincoln Bedroom? `They're selling our government!" The Repubs wailed. Now, as it turns out, their big objection seems to be not that they were selling access, but that they were doing it too cheaply. After all, the supposed big perks for Democrats only cost $250,000 in donations over four years.

Let me tell you, folks, I think those donors got slickered. For 250 grand, I not only want to stay in the Lincoln Bedroom, I want Hillary to mix me a drink and rub my feet while I watch Comedy Central. And believe you me, for a quarter-mil, I don't care how good the coffee is, they better throw in some doughnuts. And not those cheap store brands, either. I want me some Krispy Kremes. Supposedly, some really big-time donors got to watch the President record his Saturday morning radio address. Whee.

Of course, it's not just the Republicans. The whole campaign finance war began to escalate when the Dems raised their own bar for "privileged donor" to $350,000 from June 1, 1999 through August 2000. They can't let the Democrats show them up, now can they? Never in the history of this nation has keeping up with the Joneses gotten this grotesque.

Campaign finance is getting to be like the weather: everyone complains but no one ever does anything about it. Of course there are a few candidates, such as Arizona Senator John McCain, who are pushing campaign finance reform. Lamar Alexander is also apparently poised to make this a big issue; he's already released an ad warning that "big money" is threatening the political process. Ever notice how the candidates that howl the loudest about campaign financing are the ones who aren't getting any? One wonders if they would be quite this vocal about the money problem if George Dubbya Bush wasn't stomping their butts into the dust of the fund-raising trail. This also explains the far right's attitude towards sex, by the way. But I digress.

Of course, both Republicans and Democrats deny that anyone is getting special favors for these mighty donations. Democrats insist that the heavy contributions made by the Chinese to the Democratic National Committee have had no influence, no influence whatever, I tell you, on Clinton administration policy towards China. On the Republican side, a top Republican fundraiser explains, presumably with a straight face (these people are good at that): "What [the donors] get is they are left alone. They don't get calls to buy a table at the gala, they don't get calls to give to the media program. They have a pass that lasts all year." You mean if I give the Republicans a million bucks, they'll leave me alone? Heck, cheap at the price. Where do I sign up?

I'll tell you what. As an announced Presidential candidate, I promise big perks for people who donate. But as a true people's candidate, I'm putting my prices into the range of the average Joe (or Jane, as the case may be). For $250.00, I'll let donors crash for the evening on my fold-out couch. For $500 you can sit in the kitchen with me in the morning and drink coffee, as long as you promise not to talk to me. At all. (Let's just say I am NOT a morning person.) If enough folks contribute, I'll host a coffee in my living room, and I'll even throw in the occasional shot of Bushmill's Irish Whiskey just to make the coffee really worth your while. For only $999.99, you can sit and watch me write this column, in between games of "Wing Commander." And I promise, you'll have absolutely no influence on my policy.

Now, will that be cash, check, or MasterCard?

© 1999 BY Jerry D. Rhoades, Jr.