She's faced Kenneth Starr and his grand jury. She's faced the House Managers. She even faced Linda Tripp without going "My GOD! What HAPPENED to you!?" But the one thing that Monica Lewinsky couldn't face was the British press. It seems that last week, the former Presidential humidor fled a book signing in London's Harrod's department store in tears because the ink-stained wretches of Fleet Street kept bombarding her with "personal questions." I hate to break this to you, sweetums, but when your major claim to fame is how you rocked the President's world, people are going to assume your personal life is fair game.
The Brits are calling it "Monica-mania". It started with Monica's much-ballyhooed interview with Barbara Walters in which Monica, of course, cried. (You have to cry in a Barbara Walters interview. It's a rule or something.) During this interview, Monica confided that she found Bill Clinton to be her "sexual soulmate." Don't know if I would have shared that one with everyone. I mean, in the sexual arena, that boy's mind is not just twisted, it's plumb sprained.
Next, she released the `as told to" epic "Monica's Story", which immediately became a best seller. Real original title there, by the way. I would have picked something like "She Stoops to Conquer," but people say I have an odd sense of humor. Then, of course, Monica gets the cover of "Time" magazine, complete with a glamorous photo layout that makes "Vogue" look like a collection of driver's license photos. And, with "Monica's Story" rocketing up the charts, Miss Kneepads traveled to swinging London for an interview with the BBC's Jon Snow, in which she revealed further tidbits about the affair we all fervently hoped we'd heard the last of.
The English press lapped it up. Britain's journal "The Independent" claimed that the interview showed everyone "that at the centre of the whole sorry affair has been not an icon, a neurotic stalker, or a dumped-on victim, but an ordinary, intelligent and pleasant woman." They went on to say that Monica had come off better in her interview than Princess Diana had in hers. I assume they're talking about one before the car wreck.
One of the more touching moments from the British interview was when Monica said. "I hope and pray one day to have my anonymity back." From your lips to God's ear, sweetie. I mean, okay, I'm glad she's doing well. After getting dumped on by the President, followed by the reaming she got from Ken Starr and his goons (which she's still too terrified to speak about, even for the 400,000 English pounds she was paid for the Snow interview), she deserves some happiness. Preferably someplace quiet and far away where we can finally be rid of this thing. But I doubt that that's going to happen. The incredible self-absorption of La Lewinsky, the self absorption which caused her to flash her thong underwear at the President of the United States the first time they were alone together, dovetails perfectly with the inability of the media to let this scandal go. I have the depressing feeling we're going to be hearing the echoes from this mess for a long time. We can't expect it to stop with just a book and a few interviews. Can a Movie of the Week be far behind? A musical by Andrew Lloyd Weber? And finally, can we escape the ultimate horror, the blood-curdling prospect of: "Monica!' -the daily talk show?
Ooh. That one hurt to even think about. Excuse me, I have to take an aspirin and go lie down.
© 1999 Jerry D. Rhoades, Jr.