U.S. President Bill Clinton recently announced a plan to forgive billions of dollars in foreign debt to the world's poorest nations. Pilot columnist and presidential candidate Dusty Rhoades immediately declared his front yard to be a sovereign state and demanded a full rebate on all taxes.

NASA scientists were red-faced last week when it was revealed that the Mars Orbiter spacecraft had crashed due to a misunderstanding over whether or not the spacecraft's thrust was measured in metric units. Lockheed Martin Corporation, which had built the spacecraft, specified certain measurements about the spacecraft's thrust in pounds, an English unit, but NASA scientists thought the information was in the metric measurement of newtons. (A "newton" represents the amount of energy required to lift a fig-and-pastry cookie 10 feet into the air. ) "We're taking steps to make sure this never happens again," said NASA scientist Aaron Fleem. Fleem then proceeded to pour a glass of water into his ear before stumbling off the podium and fracturing his collarbone.

Three people were seriously injured and 150 more were evacuated as a nuclear accident in Central Japan led to what officials described as a "small" radiation leak. Japan's most famous nuclear casualty, Godzilla, could not be reached for comment, but released a statement through his publicist saying "Finally! Maybe we'll see some babes around here!" Sometime Godzilla companion Mothra could not be reached for comment.

The People's Republic of China recently celebrated the 50^th anniversary of its revolution with the traditional huge parade. Exhibits featured tanks, low-flying fighter planes, and, as a final exhibit, a nostalgic depiction of student dissidents being machine- gunned to death in Tianmen square. "We still had a lot of these guys just lying around in jail," one official explained, "and this was a good way to make some room."

During the parades, Chinese President Jiang Zemin attempted to bolster his popularity by placing his portrait on huge posters along with those of Chinese icons Mao Zedong and Deng Xiaoping. However, public reaction to the displays was disappointing, so Jiang has reportedly made plans to put his posters up alongside of new Chinese cultural icons Colonel Sanders and Ricky Martin. Chinese officials refused to confirm or deny reports that China's traditional Five-year Plans will be replaced by an economic strategy known as "Rivin' ra Vida Roca."

Two agencies of the U.S. government got their first taste of potential Y2K problems on October 1, as the government's fiscal year 2000 began and computers rolled over to the new date. Minor problems were reported at the Energy Department, which experienced problems in its purchasing system, and the National Science Foundation which experienced a minor glitch in the computer that administers monetary grants. Reporters noted that the computers had purchased 17,000 pounds of plutonium and shipped them to a seven-year-old in Paramus, New Jersey, then given a two and a half million dollar grant to a researcher in Idaho to study methods of getting chewing gum off the underside of desks. `See?" said government spokesman Horace Felder, "Business as usual!"

Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura continued to make waves this week when he followed up his controversial comments about religion by adding that he found motherhood to be "over-rated" and that apple pie "gave him the poots." The governor went on to state that he found baseball "incredibly boring" before drowning a litter of kittens and kicking a crippled child down the steps of the State Capitol.

Archaeologists have recently unearthed evidence that Neanderthal man may have practiced cannibalism. The scientists recently unearthed bones in a cave in the Rhone Valley of France that they say bear unmistakable signs that their previous owners were butchered for food. "They also consumed a particularly dry white wine, with overtones of cherry and plum and a smooth finish," one researcher was quoted as saying. "Talk about primitive! I mean, really! White wine with red meat?"

Following the lead of the Kansas state school board, the Board of Commissioners of Hoopwah County ,Texas recently voted to repeal the law of gravity. "Never were nothin' but a dang nuisance anyway," said Board Chairman Amos Harwell as he floated a few inches from the ceiling of the Commissioner's meeting room. "Now we can get the cattle to market twice as quick," he added. "Just throw a rope around `em and tow `em behind an airplane."

© 1999 BY JERRY D. RHOADES, JR.