THE OLDEST PROFESSION?

Seems that the more things change, the more they stay the same.

A group of cunning linguists calling themselves the Oriental Institute of the University of Chicago has devoted a huge hunk of their time lately to deciphering an ancient type of writing known as "demotic script". They lucked out big-time when the so-called "Rosetta Stone" was discovered, since said stone proved immediately to be the same text written in three different languages. We understood one, but not the other two, at least until we found the Rosetta Stone.

Are you following me here? It's like we found the 23d Psalm written in English, Spanish, and Urdu. You can figure out the Urdu from the English and Spanish.

Anyway, the Rosetta Stone has taught us a lot about this language called "demotic". So the folks at the Oriental Institute have spent the last few years using the Stone to create a dictionary which will allow other scholars to read the huge library of documents written in demotic. And, what we've found written in demotic appears to be mostly: legal documents.

That's right folks, looks like we have a new contender for the title of worlds' oldest profession. Lawyers have been with us since the dawn of time, and they've apparently been at least as wordy as they are now. Listen to this condominium agreement from the days of the Pharoahs:

"You may go up (to) and down (from) the roof on the stairway of this aforesaid house and you may go in and out (of the front hallway by means of the) main doorway of said house and its house path which goes from the south to the street and (you) may make any alteration on it (with your workmen) and your materials in proportion to your aforesaid one-eighteenth share from today onward forever."

Forever, huh? We ever track down this guy' heirs, and they've got some serious money coming back to them.

And let's not forget this gem of a contract, drafted by a noble Egyptian lady afraid that her gardener would eat her grapes: "And I am to ask you for your dung three times daily; and I am to probe it with a stalk of flax to find any grape seeds." Five bucks says she got her lawyer to do it. Another five says the lawyer foisted the job off on his long-suffering paralegal.

It's amazing the historic legal documents that are turning up. Such as the early Egyptian labor-law case of International Brotherhood of Hebrew Stoneworkers Local #40 vs. Ramses II aka Pharoah in which the law firm of Moses, Aaron and Rabinowitz (Rabinowitz was the silent partner) taught the Egyptians what hardball litigation really means.

Actually, there are a few insurance companies I wouldn't mind smiting with a plague of locusts, but FedEx won't accept the package. And you don't even want to know what trying to send a plague of boils did to my fax machine. But I digress.

Or how about the famous ancient construction dispute of City of Jericho vs. Jericorp Construction in which the city fathers of Jericho alleged defective construction of the city walls "in that upon the blowing of numerous large horns, the walls of the city did collapse, crumble and otherwise come a-tumblin' down."

Let's not forget some of the other famous lawsuits of history, like this one: Jane Does One through Fifty Thousand vs. Temujin aka Genghis Khan, in which it is alleged that "Said Khan, his agents, servants, and employees, did sexually harass and create a hostile environment for said Plaintiffs."

Love us or loathe us, folks, lawyers have been around for a long, long time. And we'll probably be here for a long time to come. To which I can only say: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!