In light of last week's announcement of my Presidential candidacy, I'll bet you think I'm worried about former Vice President Dan Quayle's announcement that he will seek the Republican nomination. Far from it. Humorists all over the world greeted the news with the same glee the passengers in the movie "Stagecoach" must have felt when the cavalry arrived. I heard Jay Leno went out and bought a new Jaguar, and Dave Barry partied so hard he had to check himself into the Betty Ford Center. (Yes, Dave, I AM making this up).
I'm really quite happy that Quayle is in the race, because I've decided that, since I have no real credibility on the issues, I need to base my entire campaign strategy on savage mockery of my opponents. Dan Quayle is, of course, the perfect opponent for this type of race. Not since the days of Gerald Ford has there been such an easy target for humor, or as Quayle spells it, "hoomer." See? The jokes just flow. With Al Gore, after you make a couple of tree jokes, you're pretty much out of material.
Al Gore's lack of straight-man potential, in my opinion, is the most compelling reason not to remove Bill Clinton from office. Now Clinton, HE's funny. Columns just write themselves when Clinton's around. I even offered to testify to this effect, but the Senate never returned my calls. Go figure.
And don't even get me started on the other presidential hopefuls. The only thing funny about Lamar Alexander is his name, and someone with a name like mine needs to stay off that topic. And I'm a good Southern boy, so I can't make fun of a lady, which puts Elizabeth Dole out of the picture.
But Quayle! How can you not love a guy who says things like "Let me be very clear that the Republican Party will field a candidate who can beat Bill Clinton in 2000." Considering that Clinton will not be eligible to run then, this seems like a pretty safe bet. Then of course, there's his classic statement to the United Negro College Fund: "What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." Man, you can't BUY material like this.
Now, to be fair, I cut ol' Dan some slack during the whole Murphy Brown thing. As you may remember, he criticized Murphy Brown for having a baby out of wedlock. A lot of folks gave him grief for that because, after all, Murphy Brown was just a character played by Candice Bergen. I had no problems with a person debating the actions of fictional characters. I myself have spent hours debating whether Captain Janeway on "Star Trek Voyager" could beat up Captain Kirk on the original "Star Trek." (Answer: Yes.) I've practically gotten into fistfights over which character on "Friends" would be the best one to spend the night with. (Answer: Phoebe. Monica's too neurotic and Rachel's too self-absorbed.) And let me tell you, if you really want to get my dander up, start up that whole "Bewitched" Old Darren/New Darren debate. (Answer: There really isn't a difference. The second guy who played Darren was actually an animatronic robot based on the first one and put together by the guys at Disney. Another little known "Bewitched" fact: the guy who played Darren's boss is now known as Tarik Aziz, and he's the Foreign Minister of Iraq. Check out the pictures if you don't believe me. But I digress.) Dan's like me: neither one of us can tell TV apart from reality, and by golly, we like it that way.
And to be even more fair, Dan is not as stupid as a lot of people think he is. This is because it is impossible for anyone to be as stupid as a lot of people think Dan Quayle is, at least anyone who is not actually a dog. Dan Quayle is at least smarter than my Golden Retriever, and I'm pretty sure Dan wouldn't tear up the lawn nearly as bad.
So welcome, Dan. It's good to have you in the race. Just remember your own words: "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
After this column, a reader wrote in: "Dan Quale may not be a perfect person (and I challenge Dusty Rhoades to point one out) but he is a decent human being who deserves more respect than the garbage that Mr. Rhoades spews." At least he managed to spell my name right. And as for naming a perfect person, well, modesty forbids.
© 1999 Jerry D. Rhoades, Jr.