ASK ME NO QUESTIONS.

Well, it's campaign season again, and one of the funniest sights of the season so far is the sight of George Dubbya Bush and Elizabeth Dole practically tying themselves in knots to avoid answering what I call the the "no-win" questions.

In Dubbya's case, of course, the question is "Did you use drugs when you were younger?" I, for one, was hoping for either, "Well, DUH!" or "None of your business. Next question." However, reporters (and no doubt, the Democrats) are no doubt hoping for another side-splitter like Bill Clinton's "Yes, but I didn't inhale, and I didn't enjoy it."

But, like any politician, Dubbya knows he can't answer the question at all, or SOMEBODY will be all over him. If he says "nope, not me, never touched the stuff", it won't be ten minutes before some burned-out Willie Nelson wannabe from Amarillo is telling the "Star" how he and Dubbya used to while away the long Texas nights snorting cocaine off the thighs of Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders. (And you'll know it's true because the "Star" paid him big bucks for the story, just like they paid Gennifer Flowers, and nobody would lie for that kind of money, right?) On the other hand, if Bush comes out and says "Yep, I did it. I was sucking up coke like a Hoover vacuum. Boy, that was a darned silly thing to do, wasn't it? Glad I'm over THAT!" he'll have the pompous gasbags of the far right all over him about his "judgment," as if judgment is something that you're supposed to come out of the womb with.

So George Dubbya puppied out. At first, he refused to answer the question, saying that he wasn't going to get into the "politics of personal destruction," before he realized that that's been pretty much what his party has stood for the past few years. Then he started doing verbal loop-de-loops that made Bill Clinton look forthcoming. "Okay, I'm not admitting that I've ever done drugs, but, well, the Feds ask if you've done any in the past seven years, and I could pass that test. Actually, it was.let's see, twenty-four years since I did any of the things I won't say I ever did. Yeah, that's it. That's the ticket."

Another candidate faced with a no-win question recently was Elizabeth Dole, who got pinned by CBS's Bob Schieffer on the question of evolution. Mrs. Dole, as you may remember, is married to Viagra pitchman and former Kansas Senator Bob Dole. Kanas, of course, is where the school board recently decided that hey, it's not really all that important to teach kids about Darwin or the theory of natural selection. So Schieffer probably thought it fair to ask if she believed that God created life in the fashion described in the Bible. Poor Liddy, with the frozen, deer-in-the-headlights smile of a good Southern hostess who's just seen the cat come down with dysentery in the middle of the buffet table at the Junior League awards banquet, would say only "You know I'm a person of strong faith." Nice answer. Doesn't have squat-all to do with the question, mind you, but it's a good answer. Schieffer, after trying unsuccessfully to elicit a remotely responsive answer, finally gave up and ruefully observed "I'll have to note that you didn't answer the question." Gee, thanks, Bob. Never would have known that if you hadn't told us.

I just wished that, for once, Liddy would have cracked open her hard-candy shell and said to Schieffer. "You're BLEEP-BLEEP right I didn't answer the question! If I say `yes, I believe in evolution', I'll have every fundamentalist yay-hoo in the country putting up websites with my portrait in a set of rifle cross-hairs and some rant about how I'm the `spawn of Satan (hint-hint)' ! And if I say, `no, I don't believe in the theory of evolution,' I'll never be taken seriously as a candidate again! And you KNOW that, you sneaky little toad!"

So we know why the questions don't get answered. But that begs the question: why ask in the first place? I mean, who really cares if Dubbya did a few lines as a frat-boy or if Liddy Dole believes in dinosaurs? The main reason, I think is boredom. These elections have gotten so scripted and predictable that the reporters and pundits, bless their anarchistic little souls, can't resist the temptation to stir up a little excitement. What better way to stir up a brouhaha than sowing a few landmines in the path of the candidates? Admittedly, it's entertaining to watch, but what about issues like taxes, education, foreign policy? Why should questions on those topics go not just unanswered, but unasked while we build word traps for the candidates?

Is this any way to pick a leader?

Dusty Rhoades is a Southern Pines lawyer, who just says "no" to nosy questions about his misspent youth.

© 1999 by Jerry D. Rhoades, Jr.