Before we begin this week's column, I must first make a correction. Last week I referred to Tom Brokaw as having a "bizarre, enormous head". It is, in fact, Ted Koppel who has a bizarre, enormous head. We regret the error.
Now, on to bigger things, namely FM radio. It may surprise some of you to learn that I, too, disapproved of local radio station WIOZ-FM's move from a so-called "elevator music" format to "soft rock." Let's start by getting our terms straight. WIOZ-FM didn't really play elevator music, at least not all the time. I know whereof I speak, folks. In a previous life, I used to work in radio. I've heard my share of elevator music in my time. I've even heard the 1001 Strings playing Madonna's "Like a Virgin" followed by an orchestral version of Dylan's "Positively Fourth Street." It was, let me tell you, a truly hallucinatory experience. By the way, if you start singing "Positively Fourth Street" (Yooou've got a lotta Nerrrrve.") in an elevator, it clears out the other passengers like a tear gas grenade. Try it sometime and watch `em scurry. WIOZ-FM at least leavened the bland mix on occasion with some Sinatra, some Nat King Cole, once even a little Duke Ellington. It was kind of nice once in a while as a change of pace. And before those of you who know me start assuming that I'm ready to start wearing black socks with Bermuda shorts and querulously demanding my senior citizen discount at Bojangles, let me just say that my favorite two songs are still "Won't Get Fooled Again" and The Stranglers' "I Feel Like a Wog". I can still slide on my knees across the dance floor when the music takes me. I just can't get up as fast afterwards. I sing along with the Barenaked Ladies, the most endearingly goofy band since the Ramones. So just LAY OFF ME, OKAY? Sorry, I'm a little sensitive about this.
Anyway, WIOZ-FM moved the "Music of Your Life" format, as it's called, over to their AM side, which was a solution worse than the problem. For one thing, they displaced a perfectly good news station to do it. For another, there's only one song that sounds good coming out of an AM radio: Martha and the Vandellas' "Dancing In the Street". (If anyone has an explanation as to why this is, I'd love to hear it.) Everything else sounds like it's being played over one of those phones made out of two tin cans and a piece of string. AM sound is better suited to things that are already annoying, such as Dr. Laura and Rush Limbaugh.
It wasn't any particular love for the "Music of Your Life" format that prompts my disgruntlement, however. It's what they changed to. Let's face it, if there's one thing we DON'T need, it's another soft-rock station playing that mewling little Jewel ditty about how "days last for so long, even after you're gone," etc. Days last even longer when you have to listen to this infernal yelping. If I hear that Natalie Imbroglio or whatever her name is singing about how she's "all out of faith" one more time, I'm going to draw myself a nice hot bath and drop the radio in with me. And I'm not even going to talk about Cher's ghastly "Do You Believe In Life After Love" song, except to note that we need to strap a pair of skis on Cher and send HER down a tree-lined hillside with a head full of prescription medication.
Let's leave aside for a moment the fact that "soft rock" is either (a) a contradiction in terms, or (b) a tool of Satan, take your pick. Fact is, the format is already over-represented. But hey, that's the radio business these days. Everything has to be safe and familiar. Even the so-called "rock and roll stations" play the same twelve songs over and over until you're sick of it. So let's take it to the logical extreme.
I suggest a radio station that plays nothing but TV-show themes. Think about it for a minute. They're familiar. People aren't threatened by them. They're usually short, so the station can fit in more commercials. It's the perfect radio format for the modern world.
There's no way to fight the blandness. Embrace it. Come over to the Dull Side, Luke. It is your destiny.
© 1999 Jerry D. Rhoades, Jr.