In the current madness that is modern society, I wish to bring back the use of two fine old Southern words that have fallen out of favor.

The first is "sorry," as in "that fella is just plain sorry." In this context, "sorry" does not mean remorseful or sad, but instead means shiftless, mean, cowardly, and of generally bad character. For example, the Fayetteville Observer recently reported a rash of-get this-thefts of flowers from graveyards. One poor octogenarian had the wreath filched off his wife's grave before the undertaker got the tent down. Now, friends, anyone who would swipe the flowers off an old lady's grave is the epitome of just plain sorry. If they ever catch the mook that did this, they need to put his or her picture in the dictionary next to the word "sorry."

The second word is "tacky." I haven't heard this word used much lately, but to those of us who grew up here in the South, it has a special resonance. The Random House Dictionary defines tacky as "shabby or dowdy in appearance." But the Southern definition goes beyond that. After all, Southerners are well acquainted with a sort of genteel decay that, while a bit shabby, is not tacky. There are folks who are abit dowdy, in dress and appearance, but no one would ever call them tacky. No, tacky denotes a state of utter tastelessness, as well as an inability to recognize that one is making an ass of oneself.

While the two states of being are similar, and while there are some things that are both, there are important differences. Perhaps a few illustrative examples will make it clearer:

• Bill Clinton having oral sex with an intern in the Oval Office and then lying about it was sorry. Ken Starr and his merry band posting the details on the Internet was tacky.
• Loudly breaking wind in church is tacky. Trying to blame your four-year-old daughter for it is sorry.
• Sleeping with your daughter's husband is sorry. Discussing it on television is tacky. Therefore, guests on the "Jerry Springer Show" are both. Jerry himself is also both, because using these poor losers' misery to turn a quick buck is both sorry and tacky.
• Shooting up your unarmed high school classmates is sorry. Using the tragedy to make political points for yourself is tacky.
• Resorts of Pinehurst trying to claim the name of the town as their trademark-tacky. Definitely tacky. But using high-powered Washington lawyers to intimidate small businesses who don't have the wherewithal to fight back: plain sorry.

I think the world would be a better place if these Southernisms came back into vogue. Now, some folks may say "hey, they're just words. What's the big deal?" Those folks have never seen a well-bred Southern lady pronounce the word "tacky" in such a way as to leave no doubt that she fully expected to see the object of that word dragging a bone club and picking lice out of his pelt. Those people have never seen a Southern man shake his head in sorrowful disgust, spit a stream of tobacco juice (into a properly situated spittoon, of course) and pronounce someone "just plain sorry." Those words used to have WEIGHT, my friends.

By the way, before anyone thinks I'm lost in some misty-eyed vision of pre-civil rights Southern America, let me just say I can think of a couple of African-American folks of my acquaintance who could use those words with equally devastating effect. Sorry and tacky know no racial or class divide.

Think of what a difference we could make in our court system. We could allow judges and juries to use these words as alternate verdicts in cases where someone has broken no law except that of simple decency. "Your Honor, we the jury find the Defendant not guilty of any crime. But we find him to be one sorry individual."

If we utilize the inherent advantages of our native culture, we Southerners can save this society. And I suggest we start with the language. Let's bring back the fine art of opprobrium, Southern style.

© 1999 by Jerry D. Rhoades, Jr.