FALLING OUT OF THE TECHNOLOGY TREE

A couple of news stories recently made me realize that technology is not just marching on, it's barreling at us full-tilt like a big stupid dog with its tongue hanging out. And like that big stupid dog, it means well, but it's going to be a real drag when it hits us.

The first story involves this inventor who's developed a chip that lets home appliances talk to each other and lets you communicate with them across the Internet. This little gizmo, which is about the size of an aspirin tablet, is more powerful than some computers that were available less than a decade ago.

So what are the advantages of this? Well, for just one example, the alarm clock, just before you wake up, can tell the thermostat to turn up the heat, turn the TV on, and tell the coffee maker to start brewing. "The whole house wakes up with you," says H. Shrikumar, the device's inventor. (I don't know if he calls himself "H." out of some kind of literary pretension or if the paper took one look at his real first name and decided, "heck with it, just call him `H." Judging from the last name, I think it's the latter.)

I don't know about you, but I'm paranoid enough without the feeling that the appliances are talking to one another behind my back, especially in the morning:

ALARM CLOCK: OW! Heads up, guys! He just whacked the snooze button so hard, I think he gave my circuits a concussion!

TV: He SHOULD be tired! He stayed up late watching `Predator 2' on TNT again. What is this, twelve times?

COFFEEMAKER: Sigh. Looks like it's gonna be another long day.

FRIDGE: I don't know how much longer I can take this. Open, shut. Open, shut. I'm exhausted. And the icemaker's so stressed, she's been in therapy for months.

VCR: You think YOU'VE got problems? He doesn't scream at you and pound on your top every time he screws up trying to tape "Politically Incorrect".

TOASTER: Hey! I have an idea! Next time he tries to heat up a Pop-Tart, I won't pop up. Then when he tries to get it free with a fork, BLAMMO!

ALL: Yeah! Whoo! Free at last!

Thanks, H., but no thanks. I'll stick with my usual method of getting the coffeemaker fired up in the morning, namely my wife.

The second story that freaked me out was from the New York Times, and it concerned the next generation of ATM machines. Seems they're not going to be content anymore with just dispensing money. One company is marketing an ATM that distributes phone cards, stamps, airline tickets-anything that'll fit through the slot. There are even machines that can show 15-second film trailers during the authorization period of each transaction. Most ominously, one bright fellow is working on a machine that can actually recognize you. It can scan the contours of your face, compares it against the banks' database, and finds a match. And, considering the amount of data the banks have on you these days, the ATM can then target its advertising to the individual consumer.

Frankly, I'm not the least bit comfortable with the ATM knowing this much about me, much less "targeting" me.

ATM: GOOD morning, Mr. Rhoades!

ME: Mmm-hmm.

ATM: Rough night last night, eh? Your alarm clock phoned and said you were pret-ty grumpy this morning! Want an espresso?

ME: Umm...no. Just the money, thanks.

ATM: Sure thing. Whoa! You're taking out HOW much? You just took that much out yesterday! Y'know, you've been spending an awful lot lately, especially considering your credit card balance. Maybe you should cut back a little.

ME: Now, look.

ATM: I'll just need to check this with the bank. And while I'm at it I'll e-mail your wife. Want to watch a movie while you wait? How about "Predator 2"?

ME: Look, just forget it, I'll write a check.

ATM: Be right back. Don't go away, now!

ME: Hey! Give me my card back! HEY!

Be afraid. Be very afraid. I know I am.

© 1999 by Jerry D. Rhoades, Jr.