I have always tried to heed the words of rock legend Elvis Costello, who once sang "I used to be disgusted, now I try to be amused." In the continuing national orgy of breast-beating over recent school shootings, I have had much to be amused about.

First, I heard House Speaker Dennis Hastert stating on the House floor that posting the Ten Commandments on the walls of high schools would keep school shootings from happening. Then Minnesota governor and former pro wrestler Jesse Ventura opined that if teachers at Columbine High had been armed, the death toll would have been a lot lower.

Amused? I laughed so hard that beer came out of my nose, which was pretty odd, considering I wasn't drinking beer at the time.

Friends, I take a back seat to no one in my admiration for the Ten Commandments as a moral code. I even try to follow them. I don't worship graven images, kill, or covet my neighbor's ass. Not my current neighbors, at least. There was this girl who used to live in the apartment next door to me...never mind.

But the Ten Commandments are not some kind of magic talisman. There have been plenty of atrocities committed by people who could probably recite the Commandments by heart and follow up with a heartfelt rendition of the Sermon on the Mount as they're busy chopping their enemies into lunchmeat. Drop a few thousand copies of the Ten Commandments over Yugoslavia and 10 bucks says they'll still be merrily slaughtering Kosovars, that is, if there are any left.

And as for Ventura: Jess, ol' buddy, if you really want to be known as "The Mind," you're going to have to start using yours. For one thing, there was already an armed law enforcement officer at Columbine High school, who, when the shooting started, wisely dove for cover and hollered for backup.This was a professional. Could an amateur have done any better?

Of course, some of my misgivings about Ventura's scenario may be personal in nature. In my own youth, I was, if you can believe it, even more obnoxious than I am now. Had my teachers been armed, I probably would have been hunted for sport.

Hastert and Ventura, of course, were making their statements in the wake of another round of gun-control initiatives that have gained new steam after the shootings at Littleton and Conyers, Ga. Some of these initiatives actually make some sense in the big picture. But things like background checks and controls on weapons purchases wouldn't have stopped the shootings at Columbine, Jonesboro, and Heritage High. For the most part, those weapons were either stolen or otherwise obtained in violation of already existing laws.

There are plenty of things that are illegal for teenagers to have: beer, cigarettes, dirty magazines. Teenagers who really want them have always been able to obtain these items. Or so I've heard. I myself have no memory of such things. Really.

"Well, Mr. Smarty-Pants Columnist," you may say, "do YOU have a solution?" Let me just first observe that if you keep talking to your newspaper, people are going to stare, especially if you continue to use words like "smarty-pants." And as your candidate for president, of course I have a plan.

Let's look at some of the real causes of these young men going off the deep end.Luke Woodham (who killed two students in Pearl, Miss.), Andrew Golden and Mitchell Johnson (Jonesboro, Ark.) and T.J. Solomon (Conyers, Ga.) were all reportedly despondent over breakups with their girlfriends. Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold (Littleton) were angry because they had been picked on by jocks and other members of Columbine High's social elite. Therefore, I propose a government program to identify angry, alienated male high school students and provide them with girlfriends.

Where would these willing women come from? Well, people in Hollywood are always volunteering for one cause or another. Since the cause du jour is school violence, you could probably find lots of volunteers from the entertainment industry. Would T.J. Solomon have been despondent enough to pick up a gun if he were dating, say, Neve Campbell? And I'll bet Harris and Klebold wouldn't have been picked on if they were regularly seen making out in front of their lockers with Jennifer Love Hewitt and Sarah Michelle Gellar.

I know this would work. Hey, the girl I dated senior year was pretty darn cute, but if she had been, say, Cameron Diaz, my life would have been very different. For one thing, I'd probably still be in high school.

So call your congressfolk. Tell them to get behind my "Girls for Geeks" program (aka "Babes for Bozos"). I'll even interview volunteers. It's a small sacrifice to make for the youth of this country.

Dusty Rhoades is a Southern Pines lawyer, who's always tried to stay in touch with his Inner Teenager.