LET'S TALK ABOUT THE WEATHER

Well, Moore County (mostly) dodged the bullet of Hurricane Floyd. We had some flooding, some trees down, some isolated power outages, but it could have been worse. A lot worse. Take a look at some of the footage coming from Down East if you don't believe me.

I have a secret to confess. I'm the one responsible for Floyd's zig to the East. You remember how it looked as if we were going to be almost directly in its path and then it slackened and veered away? My doing, all mine.

How did I accomplish this feat of meteorological legerdemain? Simple. We were prepared. We had plenty of ice, toilet paper, bread, batteries, even fuel for the Coleman lantern. Therefore, we were guaranteed not to need any of it.

It works the other way, too. Had we not been so prepared, Floyd would have rolled over us like a big wet steamroller.

Actually, I feel kind of bad. Had I gotten the generator like I wanted, we would have been REALLY prepared, and Floyd would undoubtedly have missed North Carolina entirely. Unfortunately, when I went in to buy one, the guy at Lowe's laughed in my face.

I've had this power for years. Anything I'm ready for never happens. It's the ones I'm not prepared for that are a sure thing to occur. You've heard of Murphy's Law? I, my friends, am Murphy's lawyer.

Of course, I have taken a solemn vow to use my powers only for good and never for evil. That's why we now take our vacation in drought-stricken areas, so as to guarantee a generous rainfall. I've got a standing offer from several ski resorts to drive up there during the winter without snow tires in order to bring on the blizzards.

Now, those eggheads at the National Weather Service will try to sell you some bill of goods about low-pressure systems and moisture gradients and stuff like that. This is just another secular-humanist attempt to discredit the awesome power with which the Almighty has entrusted me. After all, these scientists are only basing their "predictions" and "calculations" on scientific THEORY. And since no less an authority than the school board in the great state of Kansas has decided that one theory is as good as another for purposes of education, I hereby demand that the North Carolina schools teach my theory of weather.

But, you may say, the weather people have studied for years to develop their so-called science. They've taken measurements, launched marvelous instruments into the heart of storms, they've applied principles of physics to the behavior of weather systems. To which I reply: So? What is all of that in comparison to the power of belief? My deeply held belief that I'm in personal control of the weather is entitled to as much respect as some scientist's "theory". Not teaching my belief in the schools is discrimination, that's what it is. Pure bigotry. And as for this "physics" nonsense, let me just point out that most of the people responsible for these "theories" of physics weren't even Americans.

You still want evidence? I'll give you evidence. Last week, when they were predicting rain, I decided I'd take an umbrella rather than my sunglasses with me. The sun shone like an arc-light all day long. But let me forget my umbrella, buddy-boy, and watch the rain come down. So, you see, I have evidence, too.

Now, I suppose I could lobby the school board, circulate petitions, or even file a lawsuit to get my theory of the weather made part of the public school curriculum. But that would take too long. So, let me make this promise. If the schools don't immediately start teaching the Rhoades theory of weather control, I'm going to come stand in your yards without an umbrella, with my sunglasses on and an empty Coleman lantern in my hand. Let's see you dodge the hurricane THIS time, you heathens.

And, oh, about that Floyd thing: you're welcome.

© 1999 by Jerry D. Rhoades, Jr.