AMERICA'S NEWEST CRISIS

Fellow Americans, there is a crisis brewing right here within the borders of our beloved country. You'd think that it could only happen in one of the world's dark corners, like Kosovo or Newark. But where you'd least expect it in our great land, there is want. Overcrowding is becoming chronic, tempers are becoming frayed, and there are fears that violence may break out any minute.

The place: Westchester County, New York. The crisis? Not enough public golf courses.

That's right, good people, shocking as it may seem, there are places in this country where a man has to sleep in his car overnight to get a decent Sunday morning tee time. While Westchester County (Population 896,000) is blessed with 50 golf courses, only 5 are open to the public. Private club dues run up to $10,000 a year, with a whopping 50 thousand simoleons up front as a membership fee. Some golfers have to drive up to two hours and pay hundreds of dollars to play golf in Connecticut or Long Island.

This horrifying statistic is just another example of the failed leadership of this Administration. While the President has been mucking about, concerning himself with trivialities like genocide in Kosovo and prescription drugs for the elderly, the good people of Westchester County are desperate for golf. Listen to this quote from Yonkers dentist Frank Madalone in the New York Times: "To play on the weekend, it's insanity. The fairways overlap, balls flying everywhere. It's like a firing range out there."

And things are starting to turn ugly on the tattered greens of Westchester. "There is more anger on the golf course," one beleaguered golfer told the Times. "Today, they don't care about anybody else. They don't rake the bunkers. They don't wait for people to leave the green." Do you hear that, people? THEY DON'T RAKE THE BUNKERS. Oh, the humanity. Can total anarchy be far behind?

I know the good people of this golf-drenched area are as appalled by this state of affairs as I am. But, good Americans that we are, I know you are asking, "What can we do to help?"

First, we need to motivate the media to cover this crisis. This sort of thing is too important to be relegated to the front page of the New York Times. I hear CNN's Christiane Annanpour is sort of at loose ends since the Yugoslavian crisis has died down. Let's write to CNN and tell Christiane to pack up that ratty parka she's always wearing and get up to New York. We could have shots of the folks in Westchester county staring at videos of the recent U.S. Open on T.V, like starving children with their noses pressed to the window of a fancy restaurant. If that doesn't tug at a few hearts, I don't know what will.

As we all know, a problem of this magnitude must eventually be addressed by the Federal Government. Bill Clinton is probably a lost cause, but if we start working on Al Gore right now, we can get these people some help. I understand there are some military bases slated for closing. Some of them may even have golf courses already built. If not, the conversion of a few old artillery firing ranges into golf links should be a snap. And boy, won't THAT make the game interesting, especially if you don't remove the unexploded ordinance first? "Wow, tough lie there, Bill. Bill? BILL?!" With a little extra work, there'll even be accommodations available. If guys are willing to sleep in their cars overnight to get a tee time, they shouldn't mind a nice cozy barracks.

Finally, I call upon every family who lives on one of this area's many golf courses to open your hearts and your homes to these unfortunates. Let's bring these golf refugees to our area and show them what real golf is.

Step up to the tee, Americans. Get involved. Let the nine-iron of compassion lift the golf-deprived people of Westchester County over the sand trap of deprivation. Don't let the lack of public golf leave these people in the rough.