APOCALYPSE….NOT!!

(okay, I stole it from Sam Donaldson, but it was too good not to use)

Okay, folks, let’s ‘fess up. How many people were disappointed when the Y2K bug turned out to be either (a) fixed, or (b) not a problem in the first place, depending on who you ask?

I, for one was kind of bummed. I was getting all psyched up to grab my assault rifle and engage in a grim, bloody fight for survival in the smoldering ruins of civilization. After getting geared up for that, it was kind of an anticlimax to just have to go in to work on Monday.

Upon reflection, however, it’s probably just as well. My pillaging skills aren’t what they used to be since I graduated from college. The wife was not exactly what you call psyched up at the prospect of having to restock the human gene pool singlehandedly. The dog looks pretty relieved that he’s no longer a potential entrée. And hey, I’ve still got the cool leather "Road Warrior" outfit in the closet.

Even the thing I was really worried about never really materialized, namely widespread hoarding, the near-emptying of grocery stores, and runs on the banks by people afraid of the Y2K bug. Not that I was actually IN a grocery store on New Year’s Eve, mind you, but my wife was, and she reports that, while there were a lot of people there, what they were hoarding was such staples as ice, Budweiser and Doritos. For my own part, I was at the gas station around the same time (I wasn’t hoarding or "topping off" ; I was actually out of gas). No lines, no panic. The only thing I saw was a bunch of good ol’ boys sitting in the back of a pickup, drinking something concealed in a paper sack, and occasionally going "WHOOOO!". I found the sound strangely comforting, probably because I'm not black or gay. But what it said to me was: hey, we’re Americans. We don’t worry about the collapse of civilization when there’s a party going on.

I must confess, I did have a bit of a turn when ABC did the broadcast from NORAD headquarters and they reported "three missile events, but all three were unreportable". After a few minutes of "Huh?" it gradually emerged that there were some short-range missiles fired in Chechnya, and our monitors picked up the launches, but there was some sort of agreement with the Russians not to report any launches under 150 kilometers. In other words, all missiles fired at human beings were fired on purpose and not as a result of the Y2K bug. Don't you feel much better now?

Then, of course, there was the evening’s biggest surprise when Boris Yeltsin resigned in favor of his Prime Minister, Vladimir Putin. Humor writers across the world hailed the news as a great day, since Putin is a much funnier name than Yeltsin. I for one am amazed that Peter Jennings can say it without giggling, but then again, Jennings is Canadian, which may explain it.

Everyone seemed to be competing to see who could put on the most grandiose display at midnight. France lit up the Eiffel Tower with fireworks, and of course there was the huge display around the Washington Monument in D.C.

For my money, the most impressive fireworks were the ones in London, where the display went on for so long, I was wondering if some of the old-timers might be at a risk of Battle of Britain flashbacks. ABC was reporting that part of the plan was to actually set a segment of the river Thames on fire, but when I drifted through the room with the TV, they appeared to be having trouble getting it to light. Maybe they should have gotten technical help from Cleveland, where they've known how to set rivers on fire as far back as 1969. There's just no substitute for American know-how.

There were, of course, a couple of glitches. An American spy satellite apparently decided to take the night off and had to go to backup systems. I also read that some tidal gauges, whatever they are, in England fritzed out at midnight. But, apparently, the tide continued to go in and out, just like it did the last turn of the Millenium. Cheers!

© 2000 BY JERRY D. RHOADES, JR.