GUY TV: IT'S A GAS

Lord, where will it end?

On Wednesday, February 2, a new network went on the air. Called—get this—"Oxygen", the cable-and-Web combo bills itself as "a virtual gathering place by and for the smart, take-charge woman who wants to lean into her life'' . Ohhhh-kay. I'd like to lean into MY life, but I keep falling over.

The woman-oriented network will contain such compelling programs as a morning yoga show called "Inhale" and a nightly talk show hosted by Candice Bergen called "Exhale". Inhale. Exhale. Get it?

Even Saturday morning cartoons aren’t safe. There's to be a Saturday morning show called "X Chromosome" featuring "female oriented animation." I don’t even want to think about it.

Perhaps the strangest idea is a chat show called "Pajama Party" that ``playfully twists the classic sleepover ingredients - taboo topics, mind-bending trends and far-out music - into grown-up friskiness.'' It will be presented by an all-female cast dressed in their jammies.

Okay, that one I might watch, but only if they promise me that we won’t have to see Candice Bergen in her pajamas. Granted, she seems like a right nice lady, and she was pretty hot back in the days of bell-bottoms, but gravity has taken its toll, if you know what I mean.

Just what the world needs. Another "women's’ forum." Wasn’t "Lifetime" enough for them? Isn’t it enough that Oprah seems poised to take over the world? I ask again, where will it end?

This, I suppose, is our penance for supposedly "stifling women’s voices" all these years. Now we have whole networks where they NEVER shut up.

By golly, I’m not going to stand for this. The creeping feminization of America needs to stop sometime, and there’s no time like right now. We need a network by and for guys. Real guys.

Oh, sure, there’s TBS’s "Movies for Guys Who Like Movies" and Comedy Central’s "The Man Show." But those are only isolated segments. Besides "The Man Show" turns out to be better in concept than in execution and TBS is owned by Ted Turner, who’s married to (shudder) Jane Fonda. Need I say more?

And don’t even talk to me about ESPN. I’ve been boycotting them since they started showing women’s basketball games. What’s the matter? Was there no kickboxing going on anywhere in America?

No, we need an ALL- guy network. With real guy shows about real guy stuff. Like:

"Washington Smackdown": A political commentary show hosted by Jesse Ventura and featuring pro wrestlers as panelists. I for one, would much rather watch Hulk Hogan and Stone Cold Steve Austin discuss the new Hampshire primaries than a bunch of Washington news wonks. And at the end of every show, they could roll credits over a video of the panelists kicking the snot out of George Stephanopoulos. We’d have to be careful, though. All that smashed furniture could really put the bite on the production budget.

"Entertainment 2-Nitro": Former drive-in movie critic Joe Bob Briggs hosts a show of entertainment news with a uniquely male perspective. Celebrity panelists discuss such burning questions as "Winona Ryder: Major Babe or Kinda Spooky-Looking?" and "Pamela Lee: Is She a Better Actress After Her Breast Reduction?" In true guy fashion, this show won’t shy away from controversial topics like "Does Having a Serious Letch for Britney Spears Make You a Pedophile?"

"Bubba at Home": In this answer to "Martha Stewart Living", host Bubba Farnsworth teaches us how to decorate with duct tape. Be sure to tune in for the Thanksgiving show when Bubba teaches how to cook an entire Thanksgiving dinner on an outdoor gas grill.

And, to counter this whole "Oprah’s Book Club" nonsense, we need our own book review show. Hey, guys read, too, and I mean more than just those letters in "Penthouse." We need a show in which guys review real books for real guys, like stuff by Tom Clancy, Dale Brown, and those series books with covers featuring guys holding big guns and scantily clad women.

So what do you call a network like this? Well, In contrast to "Oxygen" we could call ours "Methane." After all, what gas is more manly than the one necessary for that most masculine of jokes: the "pull my finger" gag?

Methane: It's In You. And it's coming soon.

Dusty Rhoades is a Southern Pines lawyer, and let's all pray he never gets his hands on a real TV network.

COPYRIGHT 2000 BY JERRY D. RHOADES, JR.