THE OPIATE OF THE MASSES
Recently, there's been a big uproar regarding the federal government's use of financial incentives to get television networks to work anti-drug messages into the scripts of some popular TV shows. The White House drug office apparently even got the opportunity to review scripts before the shows aired. A lot of people wondered if the networks might be giving up their independence and bowing to governmental pressure.
I, for one, am happy that the White House is getting involved with this issue. For you see, I am privy to certain information which shows how bad things would be were it not for the intervention of the Clinton Administration.
This reporter has recently obtained at great personal risk, a copy of a secret White House memo. The memo, found by movers who were moving First Lady Hillary Clinton into her new digs in New York, was located at the bottom of a box marked "Whitewater Investigation: Burn ASAP." The information contained therein is shocking and not for the squeamish. There are references to scenes of debauchery and depravity unmatched since the Starr Report. It is not recommended for children, the easily offended, or people who are fond of using the word "sophomoric".
FROM: Adriana Kicklighter, White House Third Assistant Undersecretary of Television Programming
TO: Network CEO's
RE: Drug references in TV programming
Gentlemen: The White House has reviewed a number of upcoming television shows and advertisements and would request the following changes in light of our policy regarding drugs and the entertainment community.
1. "Frasier" 9:00 P.M. Thursday: Please delete the scene in which Frasier and Niles snort cocaine off Daphne's bare backside. The President has watched this scene at least 40 times and can find no redeeming social value in it.
2. The White House has reviewed the Cartoon Network's plan to update the "Scooby-Doo" cartoon show. We feel that the new character, Shaggy's perpetually wasted cousin "Doobie", is inappropriate. In fact, we would like to see Shaggy's character deleted altogether, since he looks like he's been stoned since 1974.
3. We would request that ABC's "Monday Night Football" drop its plan to sell advertising to pharmaceutical companies with the slogan "Steroids: They're Not Just for Athletes Anymore."
4. Promotional ads: We would request that the WB network drop its promotional campaign for its fall comedy show lineup. The White House feels that the slogan "They're actually pretty funny if you get really stoned first" is inappropriate.
5. Please drop this Teletubbies idea. While the show contains no overt drug references, the very fact of its existence, we feel, is a sign of rampant drug use in the entertainment community.
Okay, so they couldn’t save us from the Teletubbies. But I feel it is important that the public be made aware of the good that the Clinton White House has done in the ongoing fight to get drugs off the TV and replace them with barely covered breasts and violence, the way God meant for TV to be.
As usual, however, there’s n idea so good that the pundits can’t muck it up. "I mean really," one television critic huffed. "The government putting pressure on the networks! Who do they think they are, the NAACP?"
So, with the same steadfastness that led to the "don’t ask, don’t tell" policy, the White House has abandoned this noble effort and announced new rules for awarding the financial incentives. Under the new rules, the government will not review program episodes for the "good behavior" credits until after the episodes have aired. That means, good people, that our tax dollars are going to go to pay someone to sit and watch TV looking for contrived anti-drug plots.
Where do I send a resume?
Dusty Rhoades is a Southern Pines lawyer, who figures he’s watched enough lame TV to qualify for the job.
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