HE’S NOT BAD, HE’S JUST DRAWN THAT WAY

Just when you though the American court system couldn’t get any weirder….

A Florida defense attorney has subpoenaed WWF wrassler Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson to testify on behalf of a 12-year-old boy accused of killing a 6-year-old playmate. Seems young Lionel Tate is accused of killing 6-year old Tiffany Eunik by slamming her onto a table and railing, apparently while imitating the moves of his favorite WWF stars. Defense attorney Jim Lewis is apparently offering a defense that Lionel was just playing at wrestling and didn't realize the injuries some of those moves could cause. The Rock is supposed to show jurors how pro wrestlers choreograph their moves to avoid injury while making the action appear authentic.

I don’t know which revelation shocks me more, the idea that wrestling is choreographed or the fact that The Rock’s real name is Dwayne. But leaving that aside for the moment, let me just say that this opens up whole new vistas for the legal profession. I can see all sorts of uses for a defense like this. Such as:

DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Now, Mr. Bunny…

WITNESS: Call me Bugs, Doc.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Okay…Bugs. You have repeatedly used the technique of dropping large objects on people’s heads for the purpose of getting a laugh, is that not true?

WITNESS: Sure, Doc. We do that sorta thing all the time.

SPECTATOR: BEEP! BEEP!

PROSECUTOR: Objection.

JUDGE: Sustained. Bailiff, get that bird out of here.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Thank you, your honor. So, isn’t it possible that when my client dropped an anvil off a highway overpass onto a passing car, he was just thinking it would be amusing?

WITNESS: Ehhhhh…I guess so.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Thank you.

WITNESS: If he was some kinda ultra-maroon.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Objection! Move to strike!

JUDGE: Overruled. Do you have any more witnesses before lunch, counselor?

DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Yes, your honor, A Mr. Fudd will be testifying in regard to the charge of attacking the arresting officer with a shotgun.

JUDGE: Don’t tell me, let me guess. Your client assumed that all that would happen would be that the officer's face would turn black and that his hat would spin 'round and ‘round on his head, right?

DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Ummm…yes, Your Honor. How did you know?

JUDGE: Never mind.

Of course, not only the Defendant could use this sort of tactic. Imagine this scene from another trial:

PROSECUTOR: Would you state your name for the record, please?

WITNESS: I’m Popeye the Sailor Man, I’m Popeye the Sailor Man….

PROSECUTOR: Thank you, sir, once would be sufficient. Now, you’ve heard the testimony of Mr. Bluto who testified earlier that carrying a woman off over one’s shoulder and fondling her while saying "C’mere, toots, give us a kiss," is, to quote the earlier testimony, "no big deal." Do you agree?

WITNESS: Bluto!? Dat louse? His behavior is diguskin! It’s Sexual Harassmink, is what it is!

PROSECUTOR: Thank you. Your witness, counselor.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Mr, ah, Sailor Man, is it not true that you have a long history of substance abuse?

POPEYE: Well, I’m strong to the finich, ‘cause I eats me spinach, if that’s what you means.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Oh, really. Perhaps you haven’t seen this lab report on that so-called "Spinach" you’ve been eating.

WITNESS: Oh, my garsh! I been busted!

DEFENSE ATTORNEY: No further questions.

The possibilities boggle the mind. Hookers could subpoena Julia Roberts to defend them by citing lines from "Pretty Woman." And why restrict it to the courts? John Rocker could call "All In the Family" star Carroll O’Connor to testify that bigotry is actually funny. It’s just too bad that all of the Stooges have passed on. Hockey thug Marty McSorley could really use those guys as witnesses.

It’s the perfect defense for the modern world. With the line between fantasy and reality blurring more and more every day, why not bring on the experts in that field?

Now, if you’ll excuse me, it’s time for "Ally McBeal" to come on. I need to go brush up on my trial techniques.

COPYRIGHT 2000 BY JERRY D. RHOADES, JR.