IN WHICH YOUR HUMBLE COLUMNIST SAVES THE TOBACCO INDUSTRY (and defeats Godless Comminism at the same time)

The tobacco industry seems to be living the words of the ancient Chinese curse: "may you live in interesting times." On the downside, a Miami jury has awarded 6.9 million dollars to smokers who claimed that they got addicted to tobacco before anyone warned them about the dangers. Governments from the local level on up seem hell-bent on making sure that the only place people are going to be able to light up will be your own bathroom with the lights out, and only then with proper ventilation and an environmental impact statement filed with the EPA in triplicate.

On the other hand, the tobacco industry still wields a mighty political wallop. The possibility of ruinous punitive damages in the Florida lawsuit worried North Carolina's tobacco companies so much that the pooh-bahs of the Golden Leaf whistled for North Carolina governor Jim Hunt, who obediently called the North Carolina Legislature into a one-day special emergency session, where they equally obediently voted in special protection for the industry. The tobacco companies no longer have to pay an appeal bond equal to the amount of the judgment, like you and I would have to if we lost a case. I myself briefly considered changing my name to "Phillip Morris" so I could get the same kind of breaks cut for me if I get sued. I mean, hey, I contribute to the economy, too. I personally have put several bartenders through college.

The tobacco companies also found an unlikely ally in the United States Supreme Court, which ruled that the Food and Drug Administration overstepped its bounds when it tried to classify cigarettes as a "drug delivery device", which would bring them under the lash of FDA regulation. The Supremes, while taking pains to make it clear that they think cigarettes are a Very Bad Thing, was unwilling to twist the law quite that far.

And, of course, let’s not forget the millions of dollars being paid each year in Federal subsidies to tobacco farmers. Only in America would one government agency work so hard to prop up the price of a product another Federal agency is spending millions to persuade people not to use.

The whole thing points up the difficult conundrum of tobacco in this country. On the one hand, tobacco makes people sick, some of them mortally so. On the other hand, there's an awful lot of people who are going to be on the welfare lines if they can’t grow, sell, transport, or manufacture cigarettes out of tobacco. How are we going to get out of this double-bind? Is there a solution to this knotty problem?

Fear not. I have an idea.

I heard the other morning on National Public Radio that the tobacco industry has begun casting its eyes across the water to new markets. They’re working to break into the biggest market of all: mainland China, one of the few places where smoking is actually on the rise. While listening to this, an idea struck me with such force that I nearly cut my ear off while shaving.

See, the Chinese are getting increasingly hostile these days over our relationship with Taiwan. They're also not happy with our explanation of the bombing of their embassy in Belgrade, said explanation being basically "Oops!" For our part, Americans have become increasingly distrustful of the people who gave us Tianmen Square and the nuclear spying scandals. If our relationship with the Chinese continues to deteriorate, the next Cold War may be with the Bamboo Curtain and not the Iron one.

So what does this have to do with cigarettes? Here’s my idea. Stop trying to classify cigarettes as a "drug delivery device." Since the little cancer sticks cause so many people to suffer agonizing deaths, let’s classify them as weapons. Instead of putting them under the jurisdiction of the FDA or shoveling subsidies through the Agriculture Department, let's give the authority to the Department of Defense, or maybe the CIA. That way, RJR-Nabisco can ship as many of them to the Comminist Chinese and even the Cubans as they can manufacture. The government could pay the same incredible sums of money to RJR that they’re currently paying to defense contractors, and do so with a clear conscience.

Here’s another bonus: if cigarettes were classified as weapons, they’d be covered under the Second Amendment. You’d have a God-given Constitutional Right to keep and bear them anywhere you wanted. Let’s see you stop folks from lighting up in restaurants THEN, by golly! You could even combine the Tobacco Institute and the NRA, thus saving both organizations a bundle on office supplies.

So light up, America. It’s our bulwark against the Red Menace.

COPYRIGHT 2000 BY JERRY D. RHOADES, JR.