THE REAL ILLEGAL ALIEN PROBLEM

An American company has released images on the Internet which purport to be Russian satellite photographs of "Area 51," the mysterious Air Force base in the Nevada desert that is rumored to contain the wreckage of alien spacecraft recovered in a 1947 crash near Roswell, New Mexico. According to John Hoffman, President of Aerial Images, Inc. "there are runways, there are buildings, there are buses, there are test sites, but there aren't any little green men or super-secret aircraft to be seen." For its own part, the US Air Force has only recently admitted that the Groom Lake Air Force Base (the official name of the site) even exists.

In other alien news, A videotape that claims to shows an alien being interrogated by the US military is now on sale in Great Britain. The film's distributors, ILC, say the film was shot after the Roswell Incident. In the film, a bug-eyed alien is depicted in increasing distress. A heart monitor speeds up rapidly, then the alien is sick. There is no soundtrack, because the alien was supposedly interrogated "telepathically."

Your Humble Columnist has, at great personal risk, penetrated the veil of secrecy around the UFO controversy and obtained a transcript of an interview with two actual survivors of the Roswell crash. Known as "Nebulon" and "Weena," the aliens were interviewed at their home near Phoenix, Arizona.

INTERVIEWER: Ummm….to begin with, I can’t help but notice that you're wearing "Star Trek" uniforms.

NEBULON: Yes. We've just come from one of those conventions. It's one of the few places where we can really let our tentacles down and be ourselves.

WEENA: Besides, we just love William Shatner. We think it's just great that an android can achieve so much success in your entertainment industry.

INTERVIEWER: What? Shatner's not an android. He's Canadian.

NEBULON: I'm afraid that planet isn’t familiar to us. Honey, get the map out….

WEENA: Oh, so NOW you want the map.

NEBULON: Now, don’t start that again. <whispering> She's still got her eyestalks in a wad about crashing here.

INTERVIEWER: I see. But anyway, Shatner's human. I'm sure of it.

NEBULON: Go on. Those stiff, jerky mannerisms? That totally overblown delivery? No REAL human would ever be that bad at acting like a person. Next you'll be telling us Keanu Reeves is human [LAUGHTER].

INTERVIEWER: Let's move on. How did you learn our language so well?

NEBULON: Television, mostly.

INTERVIEWER: You learned English from television?

WEENA: Yes. Although it did cause some problems. For several years, he talked like Ricky Ricardo.

INTERVIEWER: Speaking of Cubans, what's your perspective on this whole Elian Gonzales controversy?

NEBULON: I'm sorry, I don’t know any aliens named Gonzales.

INTERVIEWER: No, Elian. Elian Gonzales.

WEENA: We used to know a couple of Vegans named Goonzupis. It's that who you mean?

INTERVIEWER: No, no.

NEBULON: Lovely couple. Wonderful dancers.

WEENA: It's in their blood, you know. All those Vegans are good dancers. Great sense of rhythm.

NEBULON: And having twelve feet doesn't hurt, either.

INTERVIEWER: Never mind. I see we're almost out of time.

WEENA: Oh, so you've heard?

INTERVIEWER: Hear about what?

NEBULON: About almost being out of…never mind.

INTERVIEWER: Why exactly are you here? Have you come to save humanity? Are you scouts for an invasion force?

NEBULON: Oh, no, nothing like that. We came to this system for our retirement.

INTERVIEWER: Retirement? You came here to retire?

NEBULON: Of course. Earth's a major destination for alien retirees. It used to be Venus, but it's just gotten so crowded there.

WEENA: And so hot.

NEBULON: Well, when it comes to Venus, it's not the heat…

INTERVIEWER: Don’t tell me. It's the humidity.

WEENA: Exactly. Of course, it's not perfect here. You can’t get good [unintelligible] here, not like home.

NEBULON: And we think it's ridiculous how the smallest little toxic-waste spill can shut down the whole town. I mean, learn to breathe chlorine like civilized people.

WEENA: And no one here has any respect for the Rite of Meekron.

INTERVIEWER: The what?

WEENA: You know, the religious ritual where you drive a wheeled conveyance very slowly with one light flashing on the back of it.

INTERVIEWER: I see. Well, it's been nice…

NEBULON: And your funny accents! What's THAT all about?

INTERVIEWER: Uh-huh, okay. Thanks for the….

WEENA: And another thing! Why should we have to pay to support your schools? Our children have already received brain implants from the Old Ones!

INTERVIEWER: Look, I HAVE to GO, Okay!?

NEBULON: Just like a human. Always in a hurry. Let me tell you, sonny, my generation fought in the Fourth Galactic War, and we knew the value of patience then, let me tell you. In my day…

[END OF TAPE]

I, for one, think the above transcript explains a few things. I bet they find our humor juvenile and sophomoric, too.

Dusty Rhoades is a Southern Pines lawyer, for whom the truth is WAY the heck out there.