THE SEVEN STUPIDEST THINGS SAID IN THE ELIAN GONAZLES AFFAIR

People often ask me where I come up with ideas for columns. Sometimes, I admit, it’s more difficult than others. But some weeks, I hear so much that amazes, enrages, and just generally cheeses me off that I’ve got to sit down and hammer out a column or I’m going to start throwing things at the TV and looking longingly through the "Assault Rifles ‘r’ Us" catalog again. Thanks to the latest round of blather over the Elian Gonzales case, last week was just such an occasion. Some of the statements that really redlined my BS meter were:

"This is the sort of thing that would happen in Castro’s Cuba." This one is from Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott. I got news for you, Trent; Castro wouldn’t have waited five months to make a move, wouldn’t have sent his attorney general to negotiate with these people in person, and you sure as heck wouldn’t have been giving a press conference about it afterwards. The US government bent over backwards to kiss the behinds of the Gonzales family, while they repeatedly dared the government to do exactly what they did.

"Do you think all we have in here are cameras?" This crack was made by Marisleysis Gonzalez, and was the primary reason the Feds went in armed. Way to keep things calm, Mar. Tip numero uno: When you make veiled threats to a Fed, don’t get surprised when they come in armed.

Another great line from Marisleysis: "How can the government break into the homes of law-abiding citizens to take a child away from his family?" This ‘law-abiding’ bit really gets me. These people were holding a six-year old boy away from his father without any legal authority whatsoever. And as a father, the statement that he was being "taken away from his family" utterly offends me. Last I checked, the father of a child was a member of his family, too, with more right to his son than some 21 year old drama queen who happens to be his cousin.

And by the way, there are plenty of Haitians, Mexicans, and other "undocumented immigrants" who will be happy to tell you that the picture of the INS breaking doors down and coming in at gunpoint isn’t so very unusual. Or they would tell you, if they hadn’t all been shipped back home already without photographers standing by. Last I heard, no one was raising a peep about them.

"We suspect the picture [of Elian happily smiling in the arms of his father] has been doctored." This was said by, of all people, the Gonzales family’s lawyer. The Miami relatives have also made the suggestion that Elian has been drugged to make him look happy in the presence of his own father. It’s precisely this kind of wild-eyed hysterical raving that makes me glad the kid isn’t in that house anymore. These are not stable people.

This one comes from AM radio blowhard Rush Limbaugh: "It was clear that Elian did not want to go." Well, duh. In Miami, he’s in a house where he’s doted on, given every little thing his 6-year old heart desires, and is totally the center of everybody’s life. I also don’t recall any mention of the little tyke ever attending school. What six-year old WOULDN’T want to stay? This is why we don’t let children make the major decisions in their own lives. Given unlimited choice, a six-year-old would choose to go live with the Easter Bunny.

‘The image of storm troopers going in to take the boy was one of the saddest days we’ve seen." This quote wouldn’t be so unusual in the overheated rhetorical climate of this whole affair if it wasn’t for the person who said it: New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani.

Yup, Rudy Giuliani. Here, good people, is a man who should know real storm troopers. If he needs a refresher course, he can ask Abner Louima. He could also ask Amadou Diallo, if Rudy’s cops hadn’t turned the poor guy into Swiss Cheese.

Lest anyone think the malarkey is totally one sided, however, let us peruse the statement from Deputy Attorney General Eric Holder that Janet Reno had been so traumatized by having to make the decision to make the raid that the A.G. broke down and "sobbed in his arms." As a semi-professional journalist, my unbiased assessment of the image of the nation’s top cop weeping in the arms of one of her deputies is: Euuuuuuw. J. Edgar Hoover must be rolling over in his grave.

Look, folks, when you publicly and repeatedly state that "we are not going to give the child up, if the government wants him, they’ll have to come get him", it’s more than a little disingenuous to act all surprised and outraged when the government takes you up on the offer. Be careful what you ask for from the guvmint, friends…they might just give it to you.