Another graduation season is passing us by, and dignitaries from all walks of life and levels of success are hitting the road to give commencement speeches. Elizabeth Dole spoke yesterday at Duke. Drew Carey spoke at some college in Ohio.

It may astonish you to know that, once again, no college or university--not one!--has asked your Humble Columnist to give a commencement speech. There are greater injustices in this world, but I can’t think of any right now. I've had this great speech lying around for years now, with no place to give it--except here. So, without further ado, here is my commencement speech for the graduates of the class of 2000.

Students and faculty of Ottsamatta University, parents, friends, honored guests. I come before you bearing the wisdom that can only be obtained by years of experience, a careful reading of great literature, and way too much time surfing the Internet. And I will be happy to share them with you, as soon as I get the high sign that the honorarium check has cleared the bank. Ah, there we go!

The things I would like you to learn that you probably didn’t learn in college are as follows:

• Things in life tend to happen for more than one reason. Unlike a college exam, "all of the above" is more often than not the right answer in the real world, whether the topic is why we lost the Vietnam War or the reasons Marcy in Accounting is such a pain in the butt.

• There are over six billion people in the world. Of course some of them are idiots. Deal with it.

• The menu isn’t going to change by the time you get to the front of the line. Start reading it and try to make up your mind before then.

• By the same token, the name of the store probably isn’t going to change by the time you get to the front of the checkout line. Neither is the date. You can write at least that part of the check while you wait.

• Bungee jumping and skydiving are for wimps. If you want to experience true gut-wrenching terror, have children.

• No one else's marriage can possibly affect your own. If two guys named Steve want to get hitched in Vermont, you and your spouse are still going to have to figure out who takes out the garbage.

• You have to let other people get off the elevator first before you get on. It just doesn’t work any other way.

• The solution to almost any problem will inevitably create new sets of problems. This does not mean that you should not try to solve the problem in the first place.

• You will always regret the women (or men, if that's your thing) that you didn’t kiss more than the ones you did. Until you get married, when the opposite becomes true.

• Always remember Godwin's Law: In any argument about serious matters in controversy, someone will eventually invoke the name of Hitler or the Nazis. At this point, all useful content has gone out of the discussion and you might as well drop the subject. Godwin's law was invented to describe interactions on the Internet, but I've noticed it also holds true in real life.

• Not every good idea needs to be enacted into Federal law. Likewise, not everything you disapprove of violates the U.S. Constitution.

• On the other hand, blithely observing that "Life is unfair" does not excuse your adding to the injustice.

• Attitude is a matter of perspective. Take your worst problem. Then imagine having the same problem, but in Bosnia. Then imagine having it in Bosnia while cooped up in a room with a bunch of those losers from the "Jerry Springer Show." Now, don’t you feel better?

• It's perfectly understandable that you'll have to stop and look around to get your bearings when entering a new place. Just don't do it in the doorway when other people are trying to get in.

• Fast, Cheap, Good. Pick any two. If it's fast and good, it won’t be cheap. If it's good and cheap, it won’t be fast. If you keep asking "is it done yet?" it won’t be any of the above. Likewise, enjoying "fast food" requires that you utilize a very loose definition of both of those words.

Thank you for your time, and good luck in life. You’re going to need it.

Dusty Rhoades is a Southern Pines lawyer, who freely admits stealing one or two of the above one-liners.