Senator Beverly Perdue has introduced a bill in the North Carolina Senate that would mandate that schools teach the use of “courtesy titles” when addressing teachers and other school employees

BE NICE – OR ELSE!

The North Carolina General Assembly is back in session, and they’ve apparently decided to begin their silly season early this year. Senator Beverly Perdue has introduced a bill in the North Carolina Senate that would mandate that schools teach the use of "courtesy titles" when addressing teachers and other school employees. The bill amends a statute requiring schools to teach various character traits by adding the specific language that: "public schools shall include instruction on respectful forms of address students should use in addressing school employees on school property. The forms of address shall include but not be limited to the use of `Yes, Ma'am', `No, Ma'am', `Yes, Sir', `No, Sir', and the use of an appropriate title such as `Mr.' or Mrs.' followed by a surname."

Quoth Bev: "Children in today's world often do not use the terms ‘yes, ma'am’ and ‘yes, sir.’ We wish they did, but they just simply don't, especially when they get in junior high and high school."

Is this the ultimate expression of the nanny state or what? They're struggling to teach our kids to read, write, and cipher, and now we expect the schools to teach them manners as well?

Look, I get as irritated at you probably do when teenagers act like the little cretins they are. But I don’t think their innate contempt for anybody over the age of twenty is going to be remedied through legislation.

And, to be totally honest, I’m still young enough (at least at heart) that I get a slight pang whenever some pimply-faced sales clerk or perky little cheerleader type actually does refer to me as "sir." It makes me feel like my Dad. Not that there’s anything WRONG with being my Dad, but I had hoped to stave that off for at least a few more years.

Inevitably, of course, someone is going to raise the specter of Columbine and other school shootings in support of this bill. It’s highly doubtful to me that mandating the use of "Sir" or "Ma’am" would have done anything to dampen the smoldering rage that led people like Harris and Klebold to begin tossing bombs and bullets. In fact, that sort of enforced formalism may very well have only added to it. Like the whole Ten Commandments brouhaha, this is just another attempt to plaster a smiley face over problems that seem insoluble.

But, you know my philosophy: "No idea is so absurd that I can’t come up with one even stupider." Perhaps Bev is right and we should make a law out of everything we wish people would do.

Therefore, if you elect me your President, I will ask Congress to introduce the Omnibus Pet Peeve Reconciliation Act, or OPPRA. This Act will hopefully serve to assuage the feelings of everybody who has ever said "There oughta be a law." OPPRA would not only use Federal Law to mandate the use of "Sir" and "Ma’am", it would also:

Allow restaurant workers to take temporary custody of children whose parents let them run loose to the terror of other diners while the parents chat over their after-dinner coffee. The restaurant would have the option of either turning the kids over to Social Services or putting them to work as dishwashers.

Ban the use of cutesy little signs in businesses like the one of employees laughing hysterically and going "You Want It WHEN?" We can tell your service is going to be awful; it’s not necessary to rub our noses in it.

Restrict Al Gore to only three uses per day of the words "risky scheme".

Impose heavy fines on total strangers who walk up and pat pregnant women on the belly. Total strangers who walk up to pregnant women and start telling labor horror stories could be shot.

Allow motorists in parking lots to run over people sauntering casually down the middle of the traffic lane causing traffic to back up behind them.

Allow the immediate confiscation and destruction of expensive cars whose owners park them at an angle across two or more parking spaces "so they won't get scratched."

Mandate that every cell phone be equipped with a whistle that emits an ear-shattering shriek into the user's ear whenever said user is engaged in a highly personal and intimate conversation within earshot of others in a public place.

Let's bring the majestic power of government to bear on the epidemic of irritating behavior that troubles this great land of ours. We'll make this a more polite society, even if we have to do it at gunpoint.

God bless you all, and God bless America.

Dusty Rhoades is a Southern Pines lawyer, who has always been partial to being referred to as "M’Lord" but has never been able to convince anybody else to use it.

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