EVERYTHING OLD IS NEW AGAIN

Run for your lives. Hollywood is planning a remake of "Dirty Dancing." Natalie Portman and Ricky Martin. are expected to play the roles Jennifer Grey and Patrick Swayze made famous in the original.

Remake fever seems to have hit Hollywood in a big way these days. Samuel L. Jackson is starring in the remake of "Shaft." To paraphrase Isaac Hayes’ classic theme to the original: whoever thought up that idea is one dumb mother-hush your mouth!

Nicolas Cage and Angelina Jolie are starring in a remake of the 70’s drive-in classic "Gone In 60 Seconds." Can Cage duplicate the performance of the late great H.B. Halicki in the original? He’s got some mighty big shoes to fill.

Cage is also slated to star in a remake of—get this—"Superman." Now, don’t get me wrong. Nicolas Cage is a fine actor, but let’s face it, he’s more than a little goofy looking. Put Clark Kent’s glasses on him, and he’s going to look even goofier. You’re going to have to get a blind actress to play Lois Lane, unless you want the audience to fall out of their chairs laughing at the implausibility of it.

Maybe I’m so disturbed by this because I’m starting to see remakes of films that I can remember seeing the originals of. When I found out about the "Dirty Dancing" remake, I said to myself "Hey, self, wait a minute! They can’t remake that! The original is only a couple of years old!" Then I found out that the original was released in 1987 (13 years ago for those of you who are math impaired). About that time, I heard the Eagles on an "oldies" radio station, and I had to go lie down with a cold cloth on my head. I can’t be this old, I tell you.

Now, some remakes aren’t so bad. John Carpenter’s remake of "The Thing" can still give me the shakes, unlike the original, which is only good for giggles. (If you haven’t seen the original, run, do not walk, to the video store and check it out. It stars "Gunsmoke" star James Arness in the title role as a nasty alien, dressed up in a costume that makes him look like the Killer Carrot from Outer Space). And Jeff Goldblum’s performance in the remake of ‘The Fly" added some real pathos to what was another piece of laughable 50’s sci-fi until yecchmeister David Cronenberg got his hands on it.

But for every well-made homage to a classic film like those mentioned above, there are ten abortions like the 1983 attempt to make a TV series out of "Casablanca," with David Soul and Scatman Crothers as Rick and Sam. No I’m not making that up. Even MY imagination isn’t that twisted.

Of course, the ultimate remake is Gus Van Sant’s version of "Psycho", which duplicated the original, word for word, and shot for shot. I mean, what was the point of that? Well, I understand that you did get Anne Heche hacked to death early in the film, which was a major selling point in my book. Somebody needs to tell Anne: her 15 minutes of fame are up.

It’s depressing to think that, just past its 100^th birthday, the film industry seems to be running out of ideas. Everything is either sequels, remakes, or retreads of ideas we’ve all seen before, but this time with better special effects. Where will it end? Will we see a remake of "Gone With the Wind", with Keanu Reaves and Drew Barrymore as Rhett and Scarlett? "Frankly, I don’t give a damn, dude. Nice tattoo, though." How about a remake of "Lassie Come Home", with that little dog from "Frasier" in the lead role? And come to think of it, isn’t it about time somebody remade "King Kong" again? There’s plenty of guys in the WWF who’d be good for the role and some of them wouldn’t even require that much makeup.

However, you may rest assured that there will not be any remakes of these columns. Every one will be as fresh and topical as tomorrow's headlines. I guarantee it.

Dusty Rhoades is a Southern Pines lawyer, who we’ll bet is the only person in town who knows who H.B. Halicki is.

COPYRIGHT 2000 BY JERRY D. RHOADES, JR.