GOD, THE DEVIL, AND THEIR ADVOCATES

It's nice to know that the United States is not the only place for bizarre lawsuits. The normally staid and stuffy courts of Germany recently saw a case that rivals anything in the U.S. for sheer wackiness.

A German court recently found itself faced with a lawsuit brought on behalf of Jesus Christ. Two ex-priests and a teacher of religion, all members of something called the "Universal Life" sect, have brought suit in a Bavarian court against the Evangelical-Lutheran Church and the Archbishopric of Munich to prevent those churches from calling themselves "Christian."

Gee, I hope this isn’t the same "Universal Life Church" that ordained me as a minister over the Internet. I spent three whole bucks on that certificate. I'd hate to have to turn it back in.

Anyway, the three plaintiffs were reportedly cheesed off by the fact that the defendant sects had allegedly made "approving statements" about wars and were even "holding ceremonies to bless the weapons used," according to ABC News. Their lawyer went on to passionately detail some of the blots on the churches' memories, such as witch hunts, the persecution of Jews and the executions of heretics. "It is a system of murder and blood that has slaughtered more people, destroyed more culture than any war or any scourge, and all this in the name of God and Jesus." Jesus, they said, wanted his trademark off this defective product.

So how, you may wonder, do people get to bring suit on behalf of God? Germany apparently has a law that allows one to defend, not only your own reputation, but that of deceased relatives. The Plaintiffs therefore claim that, since Jesus stated "whosoever doeth the will of my Father is my brother, my sister and my mother," that they were "brothers" of Jesus and thus had standing to bring this lawsuit on his behalf.

Ah, said the presiding judge, but according to your beliefs, Jesus is alive, and if He has any beef with these churches, it's up to Him to bring it personally. Case dismissed. (There was also some legal gobbledygook about separation of church and state under the German Constitution, but who listens to that sort of technicality, anyway?)

There it is, folks. For anyone who had any doubts about the Resurrection, it is now not just a matter of faith, it's established legal fact, at least in Germany. By the way, the Plaintiff's lawyer is named Christian Sailer, which just goes to show that not only is God alive, His sense of irony is as sharp as it ever was.

Of course, it's not just the German courts who turn zany when religion and law collide. Who can forget the famous case of United States ex rel. Gerald Mayo v. Satan and His Staff, in which a Pennsylvania resident sued the Devil. The plaintiff claimed the Evil One had "placed deliberate obstacles in his path and…caused plaintiff's downfall," thereby "depriving the Plaintiff of his constitutional rights." The judge's order dismissing the case is a classic; it expresses doubt over whether the defendant was actually a resident of the judicial district and notes that the plaintiff had not included the requisite instructions to the U.S. Marshal to serve the defendant with the suit papers. (And good luck finding a Marshal who'd be willing to serve them, too.)

Another true believer once sued the Arkansas Department of Education, the National Education Association, the Russellville, Arkansas School District, the "Church of Satan" and Satan himself, all on behalf of God. His complaint? He wanted a federal court to enjoin public schools from observing the "rites of Satan," to wit: permitting pupils to wear costumes to school on Halloween. An Arkansas lawyer, bless his heart, volunteered to represent the Prince of Darkness--for free. (Why he'd volunteer to do it for free is beyond me, considering how much money the Defendant has. I'd at least get a fat retainer, but you'd better believe I'd get the cash up front. ) Lawyer John Wesley Hall asked the federal court to dismiss the suit on the grounds that there was no proof that Satan transacted business, owned property or committed torts in Arkansas. (Readers: Insert your own Bill Clinton joke here).

For my own part, I'd be more than a little worried about attempting to hail either the Creator of All Things or his Adversary into a court of law. You never know but that they might actually show up for the trial. "Do you swear to tell the…oh, sorry, Sir. Of course You do. Hey, where are all the lawyers going?" You want a reason to keep church and State separate, there it is.

Dusty Rhoades is a Southern Pines lawyer, who has never, to his knowledge, actually represented the Devil, no matter what those people on the other side say.

COPYRIGHT 2000 BY JERRY D. RHOADES, JR.