TROUBLE GETTING INTO OUR GENES

Well, it’s done. The human genome has finally been mapped.

Now, if you’re like me, you probably said something along the lines of "That’s nice, now where’s the comics page?" But, as it turns out, this is pretty big news, science-wise. Some have even compared this to the moon landing in terms of significance. If so, this means that, finally, we’ll have another phrase to use in complaining about things that haven’t been developed yet. Instead of saying "If they can put a man on the moon, why can’t they…" We can say things like "If they can map the human genome, why can’t they make a SlimFast-type diet shake that doesn’t taste like it has wood pulp in it?"

Other than the above contribution to the art of complaining, why is the mapping of the human genome important? Well, for one thing, the genome is the formula for what makes us human. Some of the scientists who announced the completion of the mapping project referred to it as "the book of life" and "an instruction book previously known only to God."

If so, He’s got one heck of an attention span. The scientists pointed out that if printed out on sheets of standard, letter-sized paper stacked one on top of another, the ‘book’ would be 555 feet tall, the size of the Washington Monument. ``It would take you 100 years to read your own genetic code but I suspect you would fall asleep far earlier,'' wisecracked Craig Venter, the president of the private company that was one of the groups doing the mapping. (I bet he did that little snorty nerd-laugh when he said it, too). The project has identified over 38,000 genes, according to Dr. Francis Collins, who headed the government project engaged in mapping the genome. ``All those in the betting pool (who predicted) under 38,000 may have to give up their $1 bets,'' said Collins. Boy, when these scientists get to celebrating and get a few drinks in them, it’s just one knee-slapper after another.

This, of course, is just the beginning. Now that the sequence has been printed out, we’ll be taking years reading it and figuring out what it all means. See, all we have so far is the raw code, which reads as a bunch of combinations of the letters G, A , T and C- the symbols for the chemicals that make up human DNA. Figuring out what each combination actually means could take decades. Nevertheless, some scientists are already predicting cures for cancer, the eradication of many diseases, and an answer to why Rosanna Arquette is a fine actress, not to mention a major babe, while her sister Patricia is just weird and her brother David is horrifying, I don’t care if he is married to Courtney Cox. And don’t even get me started on the Baldwin brothers.

The news, however, has not been greeted with universal dancing in the streets. The inevitable naysayers have popped up, predicting "designer babies" and the return of the eugenics of Nazi Germany. Gee, by that reasoning, maybe we need to reconsider this whole ultrasound thing, not to mention amniocentesis. Let me just say, if "designer babies" means babies without genetic diseases and with increased resistance to things like cancer, design away. You can even put the Nike swoosh on their little behinds for all I care.

In addition, U.S. lawmakers are already preparing legislation to outlaw what they call "genetic discrimination" by employers and insurance companies. Actually that’s a pretty good idea. Under Rhoades’ First Law: ("insurance companies are scum") , you can pretty much depend on some bright-eyed corporate weenie coming up with a way to decide not to insure your kids because they’re left-handed, because we all know how accident prone those southpaws are.

For a while there, it looked like the really interesting battle was shaping up over the question of who was going to get access to the information. There are two separate projects, one a government-funded collaboration with the British and the other one done by a private company called Celera Genomics. Not surprisingly, the private company appears to have done it faster and cheaper. Also not surprisingly, Celera wanted to keep the information to itself and its customers to maximize its profits. The government project wants to more widely disseminate the information, perhaps even on the Internet. According to President Clinton (whose minions apparently did a bit of arm-twisting of the rival scientists), ``The public and private research teams are committed to publishing their scientific data together later this year.''

Think about it. Thanks to the government and Slick Willy, someday you too may be able to dial up on the Internet and see the human genetic code in all its glory. And it’ll probably read like this: GATATTCCACACACTCTA [etc].

Myself, I think I’ll wait for it to come out in paperback.

COPYRIGHT 2000 BY JERRY D. RHOADES, JR.