LIVE! FROM BEHIND THE WALLS…

Once again, the ABC television network finds itself embroiled in a bitter dispute, except this time, it’s not with Time Warner.

This time, it’s the Michigan Department of Corrections engaged in a brouhaha over whether ABC can interview death-doctor Jack Kevorkian for its "20/20" news magazine show. A judge recently ruled that ABC could interview Kevorkian, who is serving a 10- to 25-year sentence for second degree murder and drug delivery as a result of his assisted-suicide activities. The MDOC, citing concerns over increasing Kevorkian’s "notoriety" among the prison population, plans to appeal to the Supreme Court.

ABC had previously tangled with the DOC over the issue of whether they could interview a woman convicted of cutting open a woman’s abdomen to eviscerate her boyfriend’s unborn child. A spokesman claimed that the department feared publicizing the crime would only cause "unpleasant reactions from the female inmate population," including mothers and grandmothers with "strong and powerful maternal instincts." Yeah, I’ll bet.

I’m with DOC on this one, but not because I’m concerned with increasing the notoriety of Doctor Death. I mean, how much more notorious can the guy get?

No, my friends, I fear that this is just the tip of the iceberg. Your Humble Columnist has discovered ABC’s plans to increase its stable of low-cost, high-profile programming by foregoing the usual array of spoiled stars and high-priced productions in favor of programs starring prison inmates. Such as:

"The Aryan Brotherhood Hour": A talk show hosted by neo-nazi inmate Dwayne Clodfelter, which unflinchingly tackles such controversial issues as "I Don t Care What Those People I Pistol Whipped At the Mini-Mart Tell You, the Black Man Is Responsible for My Incarceration" and "We’re Losing Israel to the Jews."

"This Old Tunnel": Follow host Bob "The Chainsaw" Del Fuego as he restores a rediscovered escape tunnel first used in 1930 by gangster Angelo "The Mole" Scungilli. Highlights include the crafting of decorative arches out of the supporting timbers and the installation of track lighting to give the tunnel an elegant, contemporary feel.

"Cellblock": In this prison version of the enormously successful "Survivor" and "Big Brother" shows, hidden cameras follow the exploits of a hand-picked group of inmates as they go about their daily lives trying to survive inside the walls. At the end of every show, one of the participants is voted out of the group by being thrown off the third-tier balcony. The last inmate left gets an extra helping of banana pudding in the cafeteria.

"Jerry Springer Inside": ABC is betting that people will tune in just for the pure joy of seeing the Sultan of Sleaze behind bars, however briefly. Topics will include "My Cellmate is Stealing My Punk!" and "Guards’ Secret Crushes Revealed."

It’s not just the convicted who are to be featured. Acting on the old adage that "there’s no such thing as bad publicity," the networks plan to give the accused and the acquitted an opportunity to defray legal expenses by appearing on TV. For instance, there’s "The Cutting Edge," an infomercial featuring O.J. Simpson pitching the famous Ginsu knife collection. "The only knife you’ll ever need!" says O.J., flashing that famous toothy grin as he demonstrates the knives on a tin can, a tomato, and a blonde production assistant.

But there are risks to such programming. Things don’t always pan out. For instance, "SportsTalk with Rae Carruth," a call-in show featuring the former Carolina Panthers wide receiver accused of murdering his pregnant girlfriend, fell through when the only question callers asked was "So, did you do it, man?" And when convicted killer and cannibal Jeffery Dahmer met his end at the hands of another inmate, the network’s plans for a show called "Cooking With Jeff" went right out the window. (Kind of ironic, isn’t it? Dahmer, who occasionally suffered the delusion that he was Satan, was offed by another nut case who thought he was Jesus. Another example of God’s sense of humor at work. But I digress.)

The reason all this is happening, of course, is the same reason the networks are leaning more and more towards so-called reality programming. With audiences being fragmented by the plethora of new offerings, both network and cable, shows where you don’t have to pay a lot of money for big-name stars are attractive because they’re relatively cheap to produce. For instance, the inmate version of ABC’s wildly successful "Who Wants to Be A Millionaire?" show is called "Who Wants to Win A Carton of Cigarettes?"

Can’t happen, you say? Not even the networks would be this tasteless? That’s what you think.

COPYRIGHT 2000 BY JERRY D. RHOADES, JR.