IT’S ALL SO…CONVENTIONAL

The pros and cons of having Dick Cheney on the ticket have all been mulled over thoroughly by a variety of pundits for the last week, so I’m not going to go there. The big question in my mind at this point is: with the last question answered, how are people even going to stay awake at this week’s Republican National Convention? I mean, we know who both the Presidential and Vice-Presidential nominees are going to be. Heck, we’ve known the first one for months now. So, unless John McCain has a complete meltdown and charges the stage to try to wrest the microphone away from Dubbya during the acceptance speech, this one promises to be a bigger yawn-fest than Aunt Edna’s vacation slides from her trip to Boise.

The GOP is promising that this convention will be upbeat and positive. The slogan is "Renewing America’s Purpose. Together." Hopefully, then, we won’t see repeats of the ugly ’92 convention where the Pats (Robertson and Buchanan) went off the deep end and took the party with them. Robertson got up on the podium in front of God and everybody and railed about a "secret feminist agenda" that was aimed at causing your daughters to "leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians." And who could forget Buchanan’s bone-chilling cry for a "religious and cultural war"? That convention, more than anything else, drove a lot of people, including your Humble Columnist, straight into the booth to vote for Bill Clinton. If being a Republican meant associating with these bozos, include me out, thanks.

So this time, it appears that the Republicans have learned that the mainstream voter doesn’t get all het up about witchcraft. They’re making like it’s "happy, happy, joy, joy" from Monday straight through the week. In addition to the usual party luminaries (House Speaker Dennis Hastert, Majority Leader Trent Lott) and the inevitable gracious losers (John McCain, Elizabeth Dole), convention goers will hear from a blind mountain climber, a breast cancer survivor, and the great-grandson of Teddy Roosevelt to remind us that it’s the Republicans who are the real conservationists, just like ol’ Teddy. Uh-huh, right.

We can also expect the nominees to come out strong in favor of such controversial topics as education (they’re for it) and the family (ditto). Apple pie is also expected to receive favorable reviews.

Lest anyone think I’m picking on the Republicans for being boring; the Democratic convention will feature Al Gore. Need I say more? The Dems will be going out their own major limb and coming out in favor of "peace, progress and prosperity." Whee. I just hope we don’t have to hear that story again about the time Gore’s kid got hit by a car. He’s jerked about all the tears he can out of that one.

So there you have it, folks, the modern political convention. Safe and homogenized. Nothing of any substance gets discussed, no controversy, and no strong emotions, either positive or negative. Just a slickly produced, week-long campaign ad.

Sigh. I hate to say it, but it’s enough to make you long for the Pats. Oh, well. The Republicans are meeting in Philadelphia. Maybe the cops will whomp the snot out of somebody on camera again and liven things up a bit. Maybe McCain will have that breakdown. We can always hope.

COPYRIGHT 2000 BY JERRY D. RHOADES, JR.