THE NATIONAL SCOLD

Someone out there is making Al Gore nervous.

It’s not George Dubbya Bush. Despite the polls showing a slow swing towards Bush the Younger, the Gore campaign apparently believes they can still pull off a Clinton-style comeback. The one keeping Al up nights is Ralph Nader.

Even though Nader has about as much chance of becoming President as I have of getting elected Pope, he’s garnering just enough support in six key states that he may very well tip those states over to Bush. The prospect that the Nader candidacy could act as a spoiler has so unnerved Democrats that even some of Nader’s original "Raiders"—the consumer advocates that helped him expose unsafe products like the Chevy Corvair—have asked Smilin’ Ralph to step aside, a request which Nader has rejected out of hand.

In a recent Washington Post story, Al Gore was quick to say that "my task is not to tell people a vote for Nader is a vote for Bush," whereupon every Gore adviser they asked in the next few paragraphs proceeded to point out that a vote for Nader is a vote for Bush. At least Gore has shown he knows how to delegate responsibility.

At one point, the hope was that Pat Buchanan would siphon the right-wing-crazy vote off of Bush’s side, which would offset Nader’s siphoning of the left-wing-crazy vote away from Gore. But then two things happened: Buchanan’s Reform Party proved, via its fiasco of a convention, that nobody could take them seriously anymore, and Nader started saying some things that made sense.

Nader does make some good points, particularly on the subjects of campaign finance reform, not to mention health care. He also has some of the best lines of any of the candidates’ stump speeches. My favorite is "the only difference between Al Gore and George W. Bush is the velocity with which their knees hit the floor when corporations knock." And after seeing the Democrats hobnobbing with the Baldwin/Basinger mob and the Republicans sucking up to Bruce Willis and Charlton Heston, it’s refreshing to see a guy who gets celebrity endorsements from the likes of Jello Biafra (former lead singer for the Dead Kennedys) and proto-punk-rocker Patti Smith.

Even his Vice-Presidential candidate is pretty cool. While everyone was crowing about how daring it was for Al Gore to nominate a Jew for Vice-President, Nader was picking (for the second time) an Native American woman named Winona LaDuke who brings her nursing infant on the campaign trial with her. How can you NOT like a VP candidate with a name like Winona LaDuke?

But, in the end, one wonders: how many of Nader’s supporters would be voting for him if they thought he had a chance of winning? I mean, I may agree with him on a lot of issues, but he’s a gloomy cuss. I’ve been on the Internet, leafing through the few news magazines that have bothered to notice, and checking back issues of newspapers. I’ve seen dozens of pictures of Nader. I have yet to see one of him smiling. Not important, you say? Try to imagine seeing that cadaverous, grim visage lecturing you for the next four years on what’s good for you. The guy looks like a dead high-school teacher, re-animated for the express purpose of teaching hygiene in Hell’s High School. You think Al Gore’s heavy sighing during debates is annoying, just try to imagine four years of Ralph Nader scolding you because the real problem with the environment is your SUV.

Let’s face it, folks: Ralph Nader is just no darn fun. He’d make Jimmy Carter look like Chuckles the Clown. Bush? Well, he may have had some fun in his day, but like most reformed partiers, he’s probably a real drag to be around at Happy Hour. Don’t even get me started on Dick Cheney. Rumor is, someone once held up a baby for him to kiss, and he shook the kid’s hand. And Gore? Please.

No, fellow Americans, there’s only one candidate you’ll want to have on your TV set every night. Only one candidate who can keep the party going. Ladies and Gentlemen, I am that candidate.

Thank you, and God Bless America.

COPYRIGHT 2000 BY JERRY D. RHOADES, JR.