MY
INAUGURAL ADDRESS
Well, as the campaign season draws to its
inevitable climax, I figure I’ve done all the campaigning I need to do. It’s
time to start working on my Inaugural Address. While it may seem a little
premature at this point, I want to illustrate the point that my Administration
will be an open one, with nothing to hide. It’ll be so open, in fact, that
Americans will get to see and make suggestions for major speeches before
they’re even presented. So here, without further ado, is the rough draft of my
First Inaugural Address:
Fellow Americans, campaign contributors,
Hollywood big-shots, assorted hangers-on and suck-ups, President and Mrs.
Clinton:
As I stand before you, I am reminded of the historic words of
George Bush the Elder, who compared these very steps of our nation’s capitol to
“democracy's front porch, a good place to talk as neighbors and as friends.” So
pull the old beat-up sofa out here, uncork a bottle of Boone’s Farm with me,
and let’s watch the traffic lights change.
As we read in the scriptures: “And Ezra
begat Amway; and Amway begat Mica and his brother Feldspar; and Mica begat
Hoziah, but Feldspar begat not, but lived in Greenwich Village with his
‘friend’, if you know what I mean.”
I know, it doesn’t make any sense, but
they told me I have to put a Bible quote in there. It’s in the Constitution
somewhere.
The torch has been passed to a new
generation. And that generation has boldly said: “Why are you handing me a
torch? Get the flashlight, you doofus!”
Yes, technology has become an
ever-increasing force in our lives. Thanks to the ever-growing use of computers
and the Internet, your government can now lose your paperwork faster and more
completely than anyone would have dreamed of even twenty years ago. And we’re
getting better at it every day. Soon, our scientists tell me, we’ll be able to
lose paperwork that has not actually been filed yet.
Fellow Americans, we stand at the threshold
of a new millennium. Actually, we’re through the threshold by now. We’re sort
of standing in the hallway of the new millennium, hanging up our coat. And what
a mighty coat it is! But we should wipe our feet. After all, we weren’t born in
a barn.
In order to meet the challenges of this new
millennium, we need investment. We need investment in education. We need
investment in infrastructure. Mostly, we need investment in this new Internet
startup I formed about two weeks ago. See me after the speech and I’ll tell you
all about it.
We
also need to address the problem of Hollywood and its marketing of movies with
violence and sexual content. Now, due to legal technicalities like the First
Amendment, there’s no way to actually ban movies like this. However, as your
President, it falls to me to provide leadership on this issue. People want a
President who can provide leadership on the question of what entertainment is
acceptable. Therefore, I will require that Hollywood provide me with an advance
copy of all movies rated “PG-13” or “R”, so that I can watch them ahead of time
and provide America with the guidance it demands. And let the violence- and
sex-mongering moguls of Hollywood make no mistake: I’m going to want popcorn.
With butter. And a big Coke with lots of ice.
My friends, I am an American. I have the
papers to prove it. I’m just like you, only more so. Just like you, I mistrust the idea of Big
Government. My Administration will be
the one that finally delivers the final blow to the idea of Big Government. I
believe in cutting government spending,
unless of course it means that my family ends up paying for prescription
medication for elderly relatives. I
believe in less government regulation, unless some big food company dumps pig
poop in a river near the beach where I like to swim. I believe that America
should limit its intervention in the affairs of other countries, unless those
countries are ones I personally have a cultural or ethnic attachment to or
possibly a future vacation home in.
In short, fellow Americans, ask not what
your country can do for you. Ask what your country can do for me. Me, your new
President.
Thank you, and God Bless America.
Dusty Rhoades is
a lawyer practicing in Aberdeen, and we’re pretty sure this is one Inaugural
Address you’ll never hear.
OUR GRACIOUS
HOST (BOOKS-N-BYTES)
COPYRIGHT 2000 BY JERRY D. RHOADES, JR.