HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE 2000

At this season of giving, it behooves us to remember that not everyone is as fortunate as we are. Some folks didn’t have a Thanksgiving holiday with their families and may have to spend Christmas in a hostile climate, far from their homes, surrounded by people speaking strange languages and locked in battle with an implacable enemy. So let’s bow our heads for a moment and say a prayer for the Democratic and Republican election lawyers. In their honor, we dedicate the first item in our annual Holiday Gift Guide:

"The Election Lawyer Action Figure Set": Comes in Team Bush or Team Gore versions. Either team can be bent into whatever position best suits you.

There’s also the Katherine Harris Sock Puppet. This amazingly lifelike re-creation looks almost exactly like the Florida Secretary of State so long as you don’t look to closely. If you do, you can see George W. Bush’s lips move every time she speaks.

For the guy in your life, there’s "Gore": the cologne that doesn’t know when to quit. If your guy goes Green, try "Nader". The guy wearing "Nader" might not get lucky, but neither will anyone else. Made entirely from organic ingredients.

"Baby’s First Ballot" is the perfect gift for kids ages 0-2. By letting your tot punch holes in a pretend ballot, this butterfly-shaped toy teaches fine motor skills, hand-to-eye coordination and simple pattern recognition, in hopes that maybe by age 18 the little goomer will be able to get it right. Not available in Palm Beach County.

For that cat person who feels left out by Poo-chi, Techno the Wonder Dog, and the plethora of mechanical canines on the market, there’s "Cyber-kitty". This computerized feline doesn’t come when called, doesn’t do tricks, and frankly doesn’t do much of anything until you try to read or sleep, at which point it leaps repeatedly onto your head. Not responsible for drywall damage caused by flinging Cyber-kitty against the wall.

Another critter sure to be a big hit is "Randy the Redneck Reindeer". Give him a few cold ones and his nose lights up for real. Pull his string and he says up to twenty adorable phrases, including "Bring me another Blue Ribbon, honey!" and "EARNHARDT!"

A classic toy receives a modern update with the Michael Jackson Mr. Potato Head set. See if you can change Mr. Potato Head’s nose more times than Michael has changed his!

For the scientifically minded older child, there’s the Lil’ Investigator DNA Testing Kit. So far, the kits have been credited with springing fifteen Illinois prisoners from Death Row. "I’se always purty shore I never kilt nobody," former Death Row inmate Dwayne Poteat was quoted as saying after fifth grader Janie Fleishman used the kit to show that the alleged victim was not a person at all, but actually was a large stuffed badger. "It’s a crying shame that a small child has done a better job of investigation than the local police and the DA’s office," Poteat’s attorney stated on the steps of the courthouse. The DA’s office called the findings "a legal technicality" and vowed a re-trial of Poteat for cruelty to animals.

For the nautically-minded child, there’s the Russian Navy bathtub set. Wind them up, put them into the tub and they go straight to the bottom.

Every family should have a Family Game Night. And what could create more warmth and togetherness that "Survivor: The Home Version"? Scheme, manipulate, and form alliances to vote each other out of the house and win the grand prize. Manufacturer is not responsible if Uncle Lou starts running around the house naked.

What would Christmas be without music? "It’s Over, Already!" features a heartwarming collection of Christmas songs from famous fat ladies…er, large women, including Rosie O’Donnell, Delta Burke, and "The Practice" star Camryn Manheim. Sale proceeds to go to the Bush transition team.

Coffee-table books are always a big hit over the holidays. We suggest the new one from Texas Twit Publishing: "Tighter Than a Gnat’s Wazoo: The Folksy Sayings of Dan Rather". Culled from Rather’s bizarre and disjointed pronouncements on election night, this book contains such real-life Ratherisms as "if Texas isn't the whole enchilada, it certainly is a really big taco," and "if a frog had side pockets he'd probably wear a handgun."

So, once again, as always, whether this season brings you a time for deep spiritual reflection or an exhausting orgy of mindless consumerism, have a happy and safe holiday.

COPYRIGHT 2000 BY JERRY D. RHOADES, JR.