I don’t know about you, but a Christmas
tradition around my house involves making a big ol’ mess of eggnog and
gathering with the family in front of a gently flickering TV set to watch the Christmas specials on TV. Come on, admit
it. How many of you know all the words to the opening theme of “A Charlie Brown
Christmas”? And how many of us still get all teary when Rudolph finally gets to
join Santa’s team?
All of the perennial favorites made it, of
course: Charlie Brown, Rudolph, and the Grinch from the days before he went all
Hollywood and had toys at McDonald’s made in his image. But all of the
networks, the large and the small, keep trying to update and upgrade the
Christmas season with new twists on the old themes.
Not all of the planned Christmas specials
made it to TV this year, however. This
year’s White House Christmas Special had to be postponed when Al Gore filed
suit to have himself declared the host.
When someone pointed out that, whatever the election outcome, Bill
Clinton would still be President until January 20, Gore’s lawyers reportedly
replied “Who?”
In another
blow to the networks, “Robert
Downey Jr.’s White Christmas” had to be cancelled when the troubled star had to
be hauled away to rehab after trying to snort the scenery.
Another
special that failed to make the cut was “It’s a Wonderful Life…Dude”. Pauly Shore
plays a man contemplating
suicide. As he stands on the edge of a bridge, contemplating the dark water
below, Shore is visited by an angel (Gilbert Gottfried) who shows him a vision
of what the world would have been like had he never lived to make movies like
“Encino Man” and “Bio-Dome”. Network
officials were reportedly uncomfortable with the ending, which showed the
angel pushing Pauly off the
bridge.
Despite the few failures, a few new specials
did make it to the airwaves this year.
Such as:
“A Blair Witch Christmas”: from the
director of the monster hit “the Blair
Witch project”, this special dramatizes the story of four young adventurers who
struck out into the Maryland woods to
find a Christmas tree…and were never heard from again.
“An NRA Christmas”: hosted by Charlton
Heston, this heartwarming variety special features Heston’s whimsical reading of
the children’s classic “You Can Have My Candy Cane When You Pry It From
My Cold Dead Hand” and a children’s
chorus singing “Up Against the Wall and Spread ‘Em, Mr. Grinch.”
“ RuPaul’s Christmas Greetings”: The
world’s most prominent drag queen in a special that gives new meaning to the
lyric about “don we now our gay apparel.”
“Christmas With the Mega-Conglomerates”: A
joint venture between AOL-TimeWarner, Disney/ABC, and Microsoft, this special
will be broadcast on every TV channel, simulcast on every FM station, run in streaming video on every
website, and will even appear on the
screen of ATM machines nationwide. Highlights include Santa and his elves
singing “Nowhere to Run”.
“Dr. Laura’s Christmas Guilt-fest”: She’s
made her list, checked it twice, and—you guessed it—you’ve been naughty. Radio
shrink Dr. Laura Schlesinger explains why it’s entirely your fault if you’re
not having a merry Christmas.
“A Very Jerry Christmas” features TV
sleaze-meister Jerry Springer hosting a week of shows with holiday themes, such
as “Grandma Wants to Run Off With A Reindeer”
and “Who You Callin’ a Ho-Ho-Ho’?”
“World’s Scariest Christmas Moments”: This
typical outing from Fox features actual live footage of a rabid reindeer
attacking carolers, a high speed one-horse open sleigh chase, and a drunken
department-store Santa passing out and nearly crushing a three-year-old. May be too intense for younger viewers and
too tasteless for anyone with an IQ of more than 45.
Merry Christmas, and Happy Viewing!
Dusty Rhoades lives in Carthage, practices law in Aberdeen, and never has been able to figure out what the heck those Whos are singing.
OUR GRACIOUS
HOST (BOOKS-N-BYTES)
COPYRIGHT 2000 BY JERRY D. RHOADES, JR.