Recently, in Washington DC, a historic meeting took place between outgoing President William Jefferson Clinton and President-e

THE BRIEFING

Recently, in Washington DC, a historic meeting took place between outgoing President William Jefferson Clinton and President-elect-by-technicality George W. Bush. Your Humble Columnist has obtained a transcript of the meeting:

CLINTON: C’mon in, George, make yourself at home. Want a cigar?

BUSH: Ummmm…no, thanks, Mr. President.

CLINTON: Don’t worry, George, I don’t do that sort of thing anymore. And call me Bill.

BUSH: Thanks, um…Bill.

CLINTON: Now Listen, George. First off, I want to apologize about that whole transition thing. But try to understand my position. If I had let you into the transition offices while Al was still suing for recounts, I’d have never heard the end of it. Believe me, you don’t want Al moping around your office. He’s hard enough to deal with when he’s happy. And don’t even get me started on Tipper.

BUSH: I guess.

CLINTON: That’s the spirit. And don’t feel bad about the election. I know what it’s like not to have won a majority, of the popular vote, too. Remember 1992?

BUSH (a little frostily): You could say that.

CLINTON: Wow, Al was right. You can get snippy. But, anyway, you get over it.

BUSH: I was wondering, when do I get the nuclear missile codes?

CLINTON: Well, George that’s one of the little secrets that gets passed down from President to President. Fact is…ahhh…we’re not really sure where they are.

BUSH: What!?

CLINTON: Reagan put them down somewhere, and, well, you know how forgetful he was getting around the time of the whole Iran-Contra thing. We haven’t been able to find them since.

BUSH: This is incredibbible. I’m flabdergasted.

CLINTON: Dang, but you’re funny when you do that.I’m really going to enjoy watching those jerks from “Saturday Night Live” going after somebody else for a change. But let’s move on. George, I’m going to tell you a secret. Something that must never, ever be revealed to the American people. If it was, there would be widespread panic.

BUSH: (to himself) This is SO cool! (to Clinton) Yes, sir?

CLINTON: In 1948, shortly after a UFO landed in Roswell, New Mexico, the entire world was taken over by aliens. Our physical bodies were taken and kept as slave labor in a huge alien facility called “The Matrix”. Everything we know as real is merely an illusion created by the aliens to keep us from realizing what’s going on.

BUSH: Are you serious?

CLINTON: Dead serious. Upon your inauguration, you have to report immediately to the alien commander for instructions.

BUSH: What alien commander?

CLINTON: You know him as Alan Greenspan.

BUSH: My God.

CLINTON: Nope, but pretty darn close.

HILLARY (pounding at the door): Bill? BILL!? Open this door! Do you have a girl in there?!?

CLINTON (muttering): Not much chance of that anymore, is there?(raising voice): No, honeybunch!I’m just briefing the president-elect.

HILLARY: Well, hurry up! We’re late for a brunch welcoming me to the Senate.

CLINTON: Aww, gee, honeybunch, that’s the fifth one this week. Can’t you go without me?

HILLARY: You OWE me, Clinton! Now get a move on!

CLINTON: (Sighing): How long, O Lord? Anyway, George, remember what I told you. You have to give the alien commander…

BUSH: Alan Greenspan?

CLINTON: Right. You have to give him the secret password so that you can receive instructions. If you don’t report to him, millions may die.

BUSH: What’s the password?

CLINTON: You have to sing the Witch Doctor song.

BUSH: The what?

CLINTON: You know, the one that goes “Ooo-ee, Ooo-ah-ah, ting, tang, walla- walla bing-bang”.

BUSH: That’s ridiculous.

CLINTON: I know. They make us do ridiculous things to emphasize their power over us. But think, George, what’s more important, your pride or the survival of the planet?

BUSH (standing up): That’s a lot to digest, but….I’ll do it.

CLINTON: Good man. Goodbye, and Godspeed.

BUSH: Goodbye, Mr. President. I won’t let humanity down.

(The First Lady enters the room)

HILLARY: So how’d it go with the Texas Tongue Twister?

CLINTON: Fine, fine.

HILLARY: You’re snickering. You played the alien joke on him, didn’t you?

CLINTON (laughing uproariously): I had to. Greenspan bet me five bucks I couldn’t get him to sing the “Witch Doctor Song.”

HILLARY: You guys are really mean.

CLINTON: Hey, it’s traditional. It’s no worse than when his Dad got me to me sing “It’s Raining Men” to Justice Rehnquist.

HILLARY: And Rehnquist still sends you flowers.

CLINTON: Don’t remind me.

Dusty Rhoades lives in Carthage, practices law in Aberdeen, and figures you’ve seen enough deep columns about the meaning of Christmas already.

THE COLUMN ARCHIVE

DUSTY’S HOMEPAGE

OUR GRACIOUS HOST (BOOKS-N-BYTES)