2001: THE YEAR IN PREVIEW

Now’s the time, of course, when every other news outlet is doing their traditional "Year in Review" stories, looking back on the best and the worst of 2000.

Pshaw, I say, as well as balderdash. Your Humble Columnist has never been one to follow the crowd, unless it’s a crowd lined up in front of a beer keg. Therefore, with the help of my Magic 8-Ball and a complete disregard for accuracy not tom mention good taste), I bring you "2001: The Year in PREview":

January: Outgoing President Bill Clinton shocks the nation by pardoning himself for "all crimes, past, present, and future." When asked if this is actually legal, Clinton replies, "Whaddya gonna do, impeach me? HAHAHAHAHAHAAAH!" as he fills a large burlap sack with the White House silverware.

February: Al Gore goes on national television and demands a recount of Valentine’s Day cards sent to him. "I know that there were some of you out there who meant to send me a card, or some flowers, or some candy," Al says with his trademark heavy sigh. "But for some reason, their intent was frustrated. Right, Tipper? Tipper?" Former Second Lady Tipper Gore was unavailable for comment, having run off to Nassau with Australian actor Russell Crowe.

March: Middle East negotiations take surprising turn when the Palestinians agree to give up the West Bank in exchange for Texas Rangers shortstop Alex Rodriguez. "We figure we got the best part of the deal," says Palestinian negotiator Sheik Achmed Yerbouti. "I mean, get real. Have you SEEN the West Bank? Besides," Sheik Yerbouti explains, "since he went for 252 million, we can make a few bucks trading him to the Red Sox. And if the peace thing doesn’t work out, I’ll bet the infidel dog can really chuck a grenade."

June: Sony officials stun the world by announcing that there never really was any such thing as a PlayStation 2. "We really thought we could have it on the shelves by Christmas, but we had problems with programming the graphics," Sony executive Hiro Tokamaki says shamefacedly. "So we made up this artificial shortage in hopes of maintaining interest. We would like to offer our customers our sincerest AIEEEEEEE!" Tokamaki’s press conference is tragically cut short when he is torn to pieces by a mob of enraged ten-year olds.

August: Fox television continues to stir controversy by announcing its latest "Reality TV" show, which features men and women with swords, tridents, and other primitive weapons fighting wild animals and each other to the death. "After we saw the sixtieth or seventieth review comparing television to the worst excesses of the Caesars, we got curious and checked out what this whole ‘Roman Empire’ thing was all about," says network executive Chester Jardeen. "Boy, were we excited! Now these were some people who KNEW how to entertain!"

October: George W. Bush names Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris to the United States Supreme Court. "After the election in Florida, we figured the American people were so cynical about the Supreme Court that they’d stand for anything," Presidential brother Jeb Bush is quoted as saying. Harris is picked to replace Ruth Bader Ginsburg after Ginsburg unexpectedly runs off to Cozumel with actor Russell Crowe.

December: In response to the African-American holiday of Kwanzaa, the National Association for the Advancement of Redneck Americans introduces "Bubzaa," a celebration of the traditional values of Redneck Americans. On each of the seven days of Bubzaa, a firecracker illegally smuggled from South Carolina is lit to celebrate one of the cardinal principles of the holiday: beer, Deer-huntin’, Elvis, NASCAR, Country music, and beer. When someone points out that beer is mentioned twice, NAARA chairman Dewayne Efird replies, "Yew got a problem with beer, Yankee?"

So, as always, buckle up and hang on. It’s gonna be another bumpy ride.

Dusty Rhoades lives in Carthage, practices law in Aberdeen, and knows that however weird his predictions are, the reality will probably get even weirder.