IN WHICH I ACTUALLY TAKE THE SIDE OF TELEMARKETERS

Let’s get one thing straight from the beginning. I don’t LIKE telemarketers. I get as annoyed as you do when some bozo calls me up in the middle of dinner to try to sell me magazine subscriptions, lawn care products, or long-distance service. It’s even less tolerable, in my opinion than junk e-mail advertisements (commonly called "spam") or junk mail. I can just hit the computer’s delete key for the spam and toss the junk mail in the nearest handy receptacle. There’s something in me, however, that reflexively responds to a ringing phone. I just have to answer it. It’s like I’m one of Pavlov’s dogs, only without the drooling. Okay, most of the time without the drooling.

But if there’s one thing I mistrust more than telemarketers it’s politicians, even when their target is something I dislike. And, in New Jersey, an Assemblywoman named Linda Greenstein has introduced legislation under which telemarketers would have to abide by a mandatory no-call list, or else face $2,000 fines for each unauthorized call.

At first, my only gripe with the legislation is that it didn’t go far enough. After all, there was nothing in their about thumbscrews, hot irons, or decapitation of repeat offenders. Then I read the reasons behind Greenstein’s crusade, and I got a little troubled.

``Before I got elected," Greenstein says, "I made a little list of what I wanted to accomplish based on my personal experience, and this was on there. I personally found it very annoying.''

Hmmm. So this is legislation not based on any desire to establish justice, provide for the common defense, and all that good stuff in the Constitution. This is legislation brought because telemarketers personally annoy a legislator.

Members of the public that were polled by the Associated Press seemed to agree with Greenstein’s crusade. One lady was quoted as saying: ``I think state government ought to be involved in putting in some regulations" because said lady’s "elderly mother" has been "startled by sales calls as early as 8 a.m. and as late as 10 p.m." I don’t know about you, but my BS detectors always go on high alert whenever someone starts trotting out children or the elderly to justify legislation that’s really more in the interest of the trotter than the trot-ee.

As I said, telemarketers annoy me, too. But hey, there are a million things I find annoying. I go through life in a constant state of low-grade aggravation. So when are we going to see legislation based on MY pet peeves? Let’s have laws to ban people from parking their new car across two parking spaces so it won’t get scratched. Let’s impose a $2,000 fine on any idiot who walks up and goes "hot enough for ya?" when it’s 98 degrees in the shade. Let’s impose a fine on people who write letters to newspapers deploring movies they haven’t seen, books they haven’t read, or music they’ve never heard. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: something is not a proper subject for government action solely because people find it annoying.

Besides, there are already remedies in place. The Telephone Consumer Protection Act requires that telephone marketers honor your request to be put on their "do not call list" and provides fines for violations. And there’s an outfit called the Direct Marketing Association that will forward your "do not call" request to their members. (Their address is DMA Telephone Preference Service, P.O. Box 9014, Farmingdale NY 11735-9014. )

Admittedly, these are not perfect solutions. The law saying you have to honor "do not call" requests will only cover you for each individual company. And the DMA’s "do not call" list only covers the Association’s 5000 or so members. But it’s a way to start taking control of the situation yourself, rather than relying on the legislators to do all the work. And for those companies who are still calling, there’s always the answering machine and the Caller ID.

Or you could always do what I do when I have a moment, which is have a little fun with them. For example:

Or:

Or:

The possibilities are endless. And a lot more fun than letting the boring old government handle it.

COPYRIGHT 2001 BY JERRY D. RHOADES, JR.