THE NEXT CIVIL RIGHTS BATTLE

Golfers all over the world are closely watching the case of PGA contender Casey Martin. Martin, whose case has just been taken under consideration by the Supreme Court, has sued for the right to be allowed to use a golf cart in PGA Tour events. Martin suffers from Klippel-Trenaunay-Weber Syndrome, a rare condition which restricts blood flow to his right leg, leaving it withered and causing him intense pain. Walking an entire golf course is nearly impossible.

When the PGA refused to let Martin ride around the course in a cart, Martin sued under the Americans with Disabilities Act, saying that the cart was a "reasonable accommodation" for his disability. A Federal District Court agreed, finding that the act of walking from hole to hole was not such an integral part of the game that allowing Martin to ride would not ``fundamentally alter'' PGA Tour events. An appeals court agreed, and the PGA took the case to the Supremes.

On the one hand, I tend to agree with the proposition that being able to walk from hole to hole isn’t really an integral part of the game. I’ve seen far too many drunk people play golf to be able to say that with any conviction. On the other, I tend to think that the governing body of a sport should be given some leeway to determine what the rules of the sport are. I sympathize with PGA Commissioner Tim Finchem, who’s been quoted as saying ``We think it's bad law to conclude the ADA covers sports competitions, especially professional competitions on the playing field." I tend to agree. After all, what’s next?

I should know better than to ask.

We interviewed a spokesman for another group that is closely following the case. Known as the Golfer’s Organization for Necro-american Rights, or GONR, the group calls itself a leader in fighting for the interests of the "existentially challenged." GONR plans to file a "friend of the Court" brief demanding "reasonable accommodation" on behalf of golfers who they claim are discriminated against in pro sports because they are, through no fault of their own, dead.

We interviewed GONR spokesman Alison Hufnagel, who spoke to us beneath a banner showing the group’s logo, a clenched fist erupting out of a newly-dug grave:

Q: You’ll forgive me, Ms. Hufnagel, if we’re a little leery of the idea of dead golfers appearing on the PGA Tour…

A: Show me in the PGA rules where it says a player has to have a pulse.

Q: <Riffling through the rulebook> Well, it’s not explicit, sure, but isn’t that sort of assumed?

A: Challenging assumptions about the disenfranchised is what we’re all about.

Q: Okay. Well. What sort of "reasonable accommodations" do you claim should be made for the…ummm…how do I put this?

A: We prefer the term Necro-americans. Just as a few examples, zombie players could have a voodoo priestess nearby to top up the spells whenever they started running down and bits started falling off. Or for those players resurrected as a result of being bitten by vampires, more night games could be scheduled. You’d hardly even notice the change. Especially in some of the Pro-Am games.

Q: But zombies and vampires are mythical creatures.

A: So are ‘student-athletes’. But the NCAA says they have rights.

Q: Okay, you may have a point there.

A: Darn right. And besides, we think that the dead could be a big drawing card in all kinds of pro sports, not just golf. Remember that movie, ‘Brian’s Song’ about the dead running back?

Q: You mean Brian Piccolo? Oh, yeah, I cried my eyes out at that one.

A: Well, think of the ticket sales if you brought him back for an exhibition game.

Q: Hmmmm…whatever. I understand that this is just the beginning of your crusade.

A: That’s right. We don’t intend to stop with professional golf. We hope to eliminate hurtful stereotypes in movies and films like "Night of the Living Dead" and ‘Dracula 2000,’ which portray the Undead as ravening, flesh devouring monsters. We have a new PR campaign called "Undead Doesn’t Mean Unfeeling". Here, look, Here’s one of our posters.

Q: Oh, my GOD! I feel SICK!

A: Those are your assumptions being challenged.

Maybe so. It is indeed a brave new world. Who knows who’ll be the next to rise as barriers fall?

COPYRIGHT 2001 BY JERRY D. RHOADES, JR.