IN WHICH I SUCK UP TO THE UNABOMBER

Let’s face it, there are just too many newsmagazines and talk shows out there, chasing too few stories. In the competition to put American butts on American couches in front of Japanese-made TV’s, nothing is as sure-fire a guarantee of ratings as an up-close and personal interview with the villain of the week. "60 Minutes" did an interview a couple of weeks ago with the admitted ringleader of the recent Texas prison break (startling revelation: he broke out because he "didn’t want to be in prison anymore"). Diane Sawyer once interviewed Mob informant and killer Sammy "the Bull" Gravano (new alias: Sammy "The Dead Guy" Gravano"). The biggest coup in journalism these days seems to be scoring a face-to-face with people you’d be terrified to meet in a dark alley.

"Good Morning America" got positively embarrassing in its attempts to suck up to Kaczynski : "Dear Mr. Kaczynsky," wrote GMA correspondent Don Dahler, "I know I represent a form of technology abhorrent to you, but from reading your excerpts from your journal…and descriptions of the intricately made explosive devices that you have a talent for using anything at hand for your purposes." Dahler continued his grovel-fest by noting that he too had a "cabin in the woods…with no electricity or running water." Just a couple of rugged outdoorsmen, those two. Real soul mates. Of course, the sucking up would have been more effective had Dahler managed to spell Kaczynski’s name correctly.

"60 Minutes II" apparently thought to win brownie points for trashing its older sibling: "Please understand that ‘60 Minutes II’ is not the program on which your brother and mother appeared," Producer Shawn Efran assured Ted. "They appeared on ‘60 Minutes’ with Mike Wallace and Lesley Stahl. These are separate programs with separate staffs and managers. If you work with us…the folks who produced the story with your brother will have no input or control. " Take THAT, Wallace!

Perhaps the most bizarre letter came from the producer of the now-defunct "Roseanne" show. "If you know anything about Roseanne, you know that she is a non-conformist and rarely does what people expect of her. I believe that you and her would definitely hit it off and the conversation would definitely be interesting and fulfilling for the both of you." Knowing Roseanne, she probably would have ended up marrying the dude, just to tick people off.

To no one’s great surprise, Kaczynski has not responded to any of the above pleas from people trying to, in their words, "set the record straight" on the Unabomber. But what the hey, nothing ventured, nothing gained. So here, in its entirety, is my own letter to the Unabomber:

Dear Ted (can I call you Ted?):

You don’t know me. I’m a lawyer and semi-professional columnist in North Carolina, and I want to give you a chance to tell your story in my column.

I respect your stand on the evils of modern technology and its effect on the environment. I share with you a deep mistrust of technology, except for air conditioning, icemakers, and the Ford Mustang.

Frankly, Ted, I think you’ve gotten a bum rap from the media and I want to give you a chance to set the record straight. I’m sure that America really needs to hear your reasons for mailing explosives to people you’ve never met, resulting in three deaths and twenty-two injuries and maimings. I’m sure you have a perfectly rational explanation for how killing a the owner of a computer rental store and blowing off the hands of grad students and college professors was supposed to bring about a better, more natural world. The public has a right to know, you have the right to tell them, and I have the right to the interview that will let me make a full-time career out of giving a forum to demented loons such as yourself. (Please be advised that when I say "demented loon", I mean that in the best possible way.)

So how about it, Ted? Have a heart. Give a struggling journalist a chance to be a star. Your pal, Dusty.

This could be my ticket to the big time.

COPYRIGHT 2001 BY JERRY D. RHOADES, JR.