YOU MIGHT AS WELL YELL AT FOG

Mark Twain once said that "everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it." The joke, of course, lies in the fact that no one CAN do anything about it, so griping about weather is one of those utterly useless activities that makes us humans the absurd critters we are.

There is one organization, however, that seems to be making a specialty out of flamboyant and expensive ceremonials that are, in terms of actual effect, the equivalent of griping about the weather. The organization of which I speak, of course, is Congress.

No, this isn’t another column about Pardongate. That was last week. The Congressional waste of time and money I’m talking about this week is the recent hearings over TV news. In case you missed it, some grandstanding Yay-hoo from Louisiana named Billy Tauzin started a series of hearings on the burning question of why the networks managed to call the Florida election results incorrectly.

Granted, there were some ways in which the networks screwed up big time. For one thing, since Florida’s Panhandle region is in a separate time zone from the section of Florida known to geographers as "the long hanging down part", the networks projected Gore as the winner in Florida before all the polls in the state even closed. Then, of course, there was the whole fiasco wherein first it was Gore, then it was Bush, then it was "too close to call."

I can’t even argue with the assertion Tauzin released via spokesman: ``The models used to call races have not been updated in 30 years, despite significant changes in both demographics and the manner in which people vote. The bottom line: We had a flawed system in place.'' Of course, in my mind, there’s still an open question of which system was the more flawed: Florida’s voting system or the networks’ prediction system.

All that aside, however, let me ask one thing: what, exactly, does the House propose to do with the information they’ve supposedly gathered? Forbid the networks from broadcasting predictions based on exit polls? Impose fines or revoke broadcast licenses for making a wrong prediction? Just for the sake of argument, say that the dream of every Dan Rather-hating conservative came true and the head of CBS News had a Perry Mason moment, broke down on national TV and began crying "YES! It’s all true! We’re biased against Republicans! We wanted the Democrats to win!" What would the House be in a position to do? Thanks to that pesky ol’ First Amendment, the answer is precisely zip. Zero. Nada. The First Amendment guarantees us a free press, not a perfect one. If you for one minute think that Congressional tinkering can guarantee us a better media (or a better anything, for that matter), may I invite you to peruse the US Tax Code. These people could probably find a way to screw up a day at the beach with a case of Cuervo Gold and the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Models.

Of course, it’s not just the Republicans wasting the people’s time and money. Joe Lieberman continues to threaten hearings over movies or TV shows he thinks are bad for kids. I confess: I voted for the Gore/Lieberman ticket, but every time Holy Joe opens his mouth, I get happier that they lost. Happier, that is, until I see who won.

These "investigations" and the ongoing dog-and-pony show over pardons are apart of an old and venerable Congressional strategy: distract people by finding a whipping boy that everyone is suspicious of anyway (TV newspeople, Hollywood moguls, Bill Clinton) and start holding hearings. It wouldn’t even be so objectionable if there was any real attempt to gather information. But what we see are people who are supposedly there to provide information instead sitting there looking uncomfortable while the "investigators" bombard the "witnesses" with endless harangues about how horrible they are. The only difference between this circus and a Red Chinese "show trial" is that the witnesses aren’t taken out and shot immediately afterwards, which in the case of network executives isn’t really an improvement. Since the horrible things complained of are Constitutionally protected, however, our legislators can beat their breasts, come out on the side of Mom, kids and apple pie, and go back to their states and their districts without ever actually having DONE anything.

As President Dubbya’s speech last week showed us, there are serious debates ahead about serious issues. Is there actually going to be a surplus and if so, what do we do with it? What’s our place in the world going to be in this century? We’re never going to get these issues resolved if Congress doesn’t stop keeps tilting at these windmills and start facing the really tough questions.

COPYRIGHT 2001 BY JERRY D. RHOADES, JR.