A THOUSAND POINTS OF LITE

President Bush in on vacation this month: taking long walks on his ranch, busting broncos and keeping them dogies moving. (That’s Texas talk, and I’m not sure anyone knows what it means.)

When Dubbya gets back, there are supposedly some changes in the air, policy initiative-wise. Rumor has it that the President is going to focus more on themes that ``unite Americans,'' rather than hot-button issues like drilling for oil in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge and giving tax dollars to religious groups that provide social services. Internal memos say the plan will be called ``Communities of Character'' and it'll emphasize "universal values and positive images for impressionable youngsters."

Seems the political flacks apparently feel like Bush’s image can use a little polishing. Despite being generally well-received by foreign leaders and given high marks on the "character" issues, Dubbya seems to be having a little trouble in the polls. 67% of Americans believe that large corporations have too much influence over Bush. And 72% say wealthy people have too much sway in the government. When it comes to ``people like you,'' 67% of the American people say they have too little influence among the Bush crowd. So, according to the New York Times, "Bush wants to move beyond the conventional Republican agenda of tax cuts and energy production that mainly defined the beginning of his presidency and tackle issues and themes that strike Americans in a more emotional, personal way."

Frankly, I think if Bush, son of Bush, is going to cultivate a kinder, gentler image he’s going to have to do more than a few cosmetic changes that could best be described as "a thousand points of Lite." He needs a more radical makeover. Some suggestions:

That 70’s Bush: faced with the twin threats of an oncoming energy crisis and a disco revival, Bush decides to go with the flow. Tailored pinstripes are replaced by polyester leisure suits. The Marine Band playing "Hail to the Chief" is replaced by disco legends A Taste of Honey playing "Boogie Oogie Oogie". Colin Powell is replaced by Barry White who appoints himself "Ambassador of Love."

Notorious GWB: In an attempt to reach out to an increasingly disgruntled African-American community, this hip-hop version of the Prez will "keep it real" by sporting gold chains and delivering all major policy addresses as rap lyrics ("I’m the Prez of this here United STATES! Gonna cut those capital gains tax RATES!") The upside of it is (1) he can’t be any harder to comprehend than he is now, and (2) he’s already surrounded by gun-toting bodyguards. The downside will be having to dress the Secret Service with Armani suits and outfit the Presidential Limo with gold-plated hubcaps.

Jedi Bush: Emboldened by the intermittent success of his "Star Wars"-esque missile defense shield, Bush begins appearing in long flowing robes and urging America to "use the Force." National Security advisor Condoleeza Rice is replaced by a tiny green Muppet who talks like Grover from "Sesame Street" and says things like "Flawed the ABM treaty is! Replaced it must be!"

Of course, Bush will probably take none of my advice, especially since my e-mails to the White House website are being blocked. Must be the Code Red worm.

Instead, according to Business Week, Bush will be doing the usual ho-hum stuff like standing up to big media corporations that "invade our homes with sleazy entertainment." He'll lecture tobacco and alcohol companies that he claims market their products to teenagers. He'll tell corporations that it's time to break the "glass ceilings" that hold back job advancement from women and Hispanics and African Americans and Asian Americans. One White House insider, without any apparent trace of irony, has described the new policy focus with the Zen-like phrase "Clinton without the Clinton."

Hmph. If we wanted that sort of thing, don’t you think more of us would have voted for Al Gore than voted for Bush?

Oh, wait. We did.

I think begin to see what’s going on here. Back during the whole Florida election hoo-hah, some wag suggested that maybe what we should do is have a co-presidency: Six months of Bush, then six months of Gore. It looks like that may be what’s happening.

It makes sense to me. After all, if the country is going to have a split personality, why not the Presidency?

COPYRIGHT 2001 BY JERRY D. RHOADES, JR.