BELLY UP TO THE BAR

The number of anthrax infections continues to grow, certainly exceeding this writer’s expectations. It was particularly shocking when anthrax was discovered on a letter mailed to Senator Tom Daschle. The idea of the Capitol coming under bioterror attack caused immediate consternation among our lawmakers. The House adjourned and headed for tall timber, but the Senate stayed in session.This didn’t sit well with the members of the House, who then had to put up with cries of "wimp" from the likes of the "New York Post." (The "Post," at least, has some leeway to make that charge since one of its staffers was actually infected with anthrax, the cutaneous kind. They reacted by running a photo on the front page of said staffer with her bandaged middle finger raised and the caption "Anthrax this!")

There’s still considerable nervousness about the whole thing, as more anthrax spores are discovered in post offices, including the one that serves the White House. At one point someone even suggested that the House and the Senate should hold their meetings on a military base for extra security. But I think I have a better idea, one rooted in the early history of our Democracy.

Not too long ago, the family and I visited Colonial Williamsburg where some of our country’s earliest resistance to British rule got its start. In case you’re not familiar with the story, the Virginia House of Burgesses was disbanded by the Colonial Governor as punishment for their support of the citizens of Boston, whose port had been closed by British authorities. The Burgesses, not being the sort of folks to take that lying down, decided to do what they had done several times before when the Governor had disbanded them for being uppity: they’d continue to meet in the nearby Raleigh Tavern. There, the disgruntled Burgesses drafted a resolution for, among other things, the formation of a Continental Congress. This was a major step towards an eventual Declaration of Independence.

Think about it. A group of patriots, meeting in a tavern, decided to take on what was, at the time, the world’s pre-eminent military power. And the colonies didn’t even have a real army at the time. Is there any doubt that beer was involved?

"Y’know what I say? I say, gimme liberty or...or...gimme death, that’s what I say!"

"WHOO-HOO! Patrick, you tell ‘em, buddy! Where’s that pen at? Sign me up!"

So I propose a return to our roots. If our elected representatives have been driven out of their usual building by an attack on our freedom, let them follow the example of those early patriots. Let them find a nice tavern in which to hold their sessions. Not one of those fancy-schmantsy D.C. watering holes, however. Those would be too obvious a target. No, our Congressmen and Senators need to find themselves a good old working-class saloon.

"Okay, settle down everybody. This emergency session of the US Senate will now come to order...yes, Senator? Miss, could we get another bowl of popcorn at Senator Lott’s table? Senator Kennedy, please let go of the waitress, she has work to do. Thank you."

"Now, the first order of business is Senator Clinton’s bill to buy a new Mercedes for every firefighter in New York. Where IS Senator Clinton, anyway? Well, let her know when she gets out of the ladies’ room, we’re waiting for her. While we wait, let’s move on to...Excuse me, Representative Condit, can we help you? The House is meeting in the other room, the one with the pool tables. No sir, I don’t know where your waitress is. Not having much luck keeping up with women this year, are you sir? Well, there’s no need to get testy, Congressman. Boy, he’s mean when he drinks."

"Now then, where were we? Hey, can somebody get Senator McCain and Senator Kerry out of the corner? Every time they have a few, they start comparing war stories, then they get all maudlin, crank up the karaoke machine, and start singing that Lee Greenwood ‘God Bless the USA’ song at the top of their lungs. I’m sure none of us wants that."

Rep. Tom DeLay, a Texas Republican and the House Majority Whip, summed it up. "Congress is not a building," he said. "Congress is wherever the elected representatives gather to make decisions for the American people." Amen to that. Now more than ever, our representatives and senators need to return to the traditions that started this country. And if I see them downtown, I’ll even offer to buy them the first round. As soon as I get my tax rebate.

COPYRIGHT 2001 BY JERRY D. RHOADES, JR.